Part 4: I Will Wait for my Miracle

This is Part 4 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

More will be coming soon. Click the links to read Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3.

I will wait...

Two days later the blood came.

My body is mourning through tears of scarlet. Every cramp, every drop, reminds me of what is not to come. I had a due date. It was July 10th, 2016. I was so excited, I got my hopes up, but nothing will happen when July arrives. No special delivery.

Part of me thinks I'm being over dramatic, making mountains out of mole hills. But I am hurting. I have thought of this embryo every day since I knew of its existence. Everyday I have thought that my precious little embryo would one day become part of our family. That Boston and Lyla would have a little brother or sister. So much thought, hope, and love has gone into something so small, small as the period at the end of this sentence.

Writing helps the pain pass. I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn from this. I am not angry at God, just confused. I still expect great miracles from Him. After many years my sister was able to conceive naturally. She might not believe that it was a miracle from God, I don't really know her stance on it, but I certainly do believe it was. And now I'm waiting for mine. Something needs to happen because even though I was afraid I would never have more children, I'm going to fight for it. I don't know my plan, I don't want to do IVF again, but I will figure something out. I will wait for my miracle.

Talking with Chris about what happened breaks my heart even more. He really thought this was going to work and that we would be celebrating. That the voicemail from my nurse would bring tears of happiness, not tears of great sorrow. We both viewed this embryo as our next child, that this embryo would become a part of our family forever. We both felt like we lost a child that day. Our hearts are devastated.

Again, to those who know how I am feeling, to those women who have had miscarriages, who have lost a baby, I do not know how you do it. You are so strong. You are my heroes.

A message I will never forget

I had some leftover Endometrin (a really expensive progesterone medication) after our frozen transfer so I decided to donate it to my fertility clinic. Everything was still so fresh and painful that when we pulled up to the clinic I couldn't go in. I asked Chris to give it to the receptionists for me. Attached to the Endometrin I included a note basically explaining that I wanted it donated to someone that couldn't afford it and that I will be praying for that person to be able to get pregnant. Chris dropped it off and we drove away.

The next day I got an email from my nurse that meant a lot, especially during this sensitive time.

Rachel,
I just wanted to send an email letting you know that I received the donated Endometrin. Your note with it was painfully sweet to read. I have that little note saved on my desk as a reminder to myself to show grace when faced with a hard situation, as you did. Your note of compassion really stopped me in my tracks, because I know your own heart is hurting. Your act of kindness will be appreciated by someone beyond measure. I hope you are doing okay. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Her message is something I will never forget. Nurses truly are angels.

Each part of these posts were written over a year ago. I call them posts, but they really feel like personal journal entries. My journey didn't end with an unsuccessful frozen embryo transfer, it was actually just the beginning. I said I would wait for my miracle and that's just what I did. I can't wait to tell you about it.

More coming soon!

Click here for Part 5.

Part 2: The Transfer

This is Part 2 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Part 3 will be published soon. Click here to read Part 1. 

Our frozen transfer is one week away. This treatment cycle has flown by! Last Monday I had my suppression check, which was an ultrasound and some blood work to confirm that I have no cysts and that I have low estradiol levels. I started taking baby aspirin to help blood flow to the uterus, and 3mg of estradiol three times a day. The main side effect from the estradiol that I can tell is bloat and a very small appetite. It's been so nice not having to give myself shots! The following Friday I had my SSG (saline sonogram). It really wasn't bad. They insert a catheter and fill your uterus will saline while doing a 3D ultrasound to make sure there are no uterine abnormalities. I felt like I kept peeing my pants for sometime after while remaining saline leaked out...awkward. Everything looked good, which was great!

We've been doing this completely privately again. The only ones aware of this transfer is our doctor, me, Chris, and God. I don't feel the need to tell friends and family only to have them come asking...honestly if I do get pregnant I plan on not telling anyone for as long as I can. I would wait to 20 weeks if I could. 

At the beginning of this treatment I would have bouts of doubt. All the questions would start to fill my mind. What do we do if this doesn't work? Will we ever have more kids? Why would God not want this to happen? Through many tearful prayers to my Father in Heaven I have seen this doubt fade away and be replaced with something much more powerful. My doubt has been replaced with faith. Not faith that I will get pregnant and that we'll all live happily ever after. Faith in God's will. That kind of faith is hard to obtain when we have our own desires in the way. I'm learning that if we truly desire and accept God's will, we will be okay with whatever the outcome. Yes I want to get pregnant. Yes I want this to work. Yes I hope that this is God's will. But if it's not I understand that He has some other plan for me. Everything will work out. I am comforted in that knowledge as I place full trust in Him. 

Fast forward one week to the transfer...

A few days before the transfer I had a routine ultrasound check, but was given that bad news that there was fluid in my uterus. If the fluid wasn't gone by transfer day they would not transfer our embryo. I was given some medication to help get rid of the fluid, but there was nothing else that could be done. A few days later was the big day! I had a difficult time sleeping the night before due to my anxiousness. Eventually the morning came and it was time to leave. We kissed the twins goodbye and left them in Grandma's care. Chris had asked her to watch the twins telling her that he took the day off work to pamper me and have a night alone at a hotel. I guess you could say that lounging around a hotel room all day was being "pampered" since that is what we did after the transfer.

Before we went into the clinic we each took a turn to pray. I remember writing that when we did IVF in 2014 that it was a spiritual experience for me, as if I was being watched over and carried through the entire stressful process. But this time...it's been like my eyes have opened to a whole new understanding of God. Of His love. Of faith. It has been a transformation in my life. If this transfer doesn't work I am at least so thankful for this unparalleled spiritual experienced I have witnessed in my life. Sitting in the car we prayed. We prayed that the fluid from my uterus would be gone without a trace. We prayed that our embryo would survive the thaw and that the transfer would be smoothly. We prayed for the nurses, doctors, and embryologists that have helped us in this journey.

As the ultrasound of my uterus began, I took a deep breath and held onto Chris's hand. I've had enough ultrasounds to have a good understanding of what I'm looking at. I didn't see anything. No dark spot in my uterus showing fluid. It was completely gone. Without a trace. Our first miracle for the day. With the good news, we were given the all clear to do the embryo transfer that day. I was also told to start drinking. Water that is! It helps straighten the uterus so the catheter containing our embryo will go in smoother.

It takes an hour for the embryo to thaw, so we left and walked around a nearby Hobby Lobby. Chris loves that place! We explored while I chugged a few bottles of water. When we returned we waited in a room to sign some consents and hear an update on the embryo. For a while I was pretty scared a nurse was going to walk in and say the embryo didn't survive. But...it did! Our second miracle for the day. They offered me valium for relaxation, which I almost turned down since I turned it down when we transferred the twins. I was afraid it was going to make me too loopy to know what was going on, but it didn't hit me until after we left. We got changed and went into the OR, met with the embryologist who gave us a picture of our embryo, and then my doctor came in and it was go time. It's a pretty simple procedure, but there is so much that needs to be done leading up to it. We could see on the ultrasound this teeny tiny little embryo placed up inside my uterus. Our third miracle for the day! The embryologist did what's called Assisted Hatching, where he made a small hole in the zona pellucida to help the embryo hatch out of its outer shell and help with implantation in the uterine wall. You can see the hole at about 3 o'clock of the picture below.

Isn't that amazing? Boston and Lyla's first picture looked like this. Such a tiny bunch of cells has so much potential. Can you believe that you once looked like this?

After the transfer I eventually conked out in the car from the valium. When I took valium for my HSG in 2013, I was a total nut case and obviously drugged. This time I just slept for a little while. We checked into our hotel room, and I relaxed and watched some funny shows. It was nice to get away and just focus on taking it easy and letting my body do its thing. I missed my babies so much though. After breakfast in the morning we when straight home to squeeze them.

Since transfer day it's been pretty surreal thinking of the embryo I have inside me, just always hoping that this may be our next child. While the twins nap I go sit on my bed and ponder about my family, the great blessings we've received, and the chance we've given this embryo. There is a constant prayer in my heart that everything will work out the way we have hoped and prayed. At this point I am what you call 3 weeks pregnant, until proven otherwise. That is because pregnancy is measured from the first day of your last period. By now, the embryo should have implanted and I am praying it has. I know there is a science to everything, but I also believe that God's hand can control that science. I believe that God can make anything possible. I know because of Him we had several miracles: the fluid was gone, the embryo survived the thaw, and the transfer was flawless. I know that if it is His will, He will bless us with a fourth miracle in this process...a baby.

Click here to read Part 3 

Part 1: Our Little Embryo

This is Part 1 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Click here to read Part 2. 

We have a frozen embryo. A beautiful "good +" blastocyst just waiting to be given a chance. When we froze it I never thought I would feel so attached.

Boston and Lyla were embryos (as everyone once was). We saw them. We have a picture. Just a bunch of cells that ended up turning into the greatest blessing we have ever received. Fully knowing an embryo's potential is what has made me so attached to the one frozen embryo we have. I am so thankful that we were able to save at least one. But I feel so bad...I feel so bad this embryo, this beginning of life, is stuck. Frozen in time. Waiting.

I truly feel a connection, like there is a perfect spirit waiting in heaven to be united with a body. A body that begins with an embryo. Our embryo.

Chris was the one that actually approached me about transferring our embryo. We want our kids to be close in age. We prayed and it just made sense. So we set up an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to get an idea of what a frozen embryo transfer would be like and how we need to start preparing. If Chris had his way, we would have started treatment the next day, but instead we chose a date two months later.

To be honest I'm terrified. Terrified that this embryo is our last chance. Terrified that it won't make it through the thaw. Terrified I won't get pregnant. Terrified that I won't have more children. But I know that hope is where comfort is found and hope is where miracles begin.

Fast forward one month later...

It's all happening again. The stress that comes with being infertile. The stress that comes with money and trying to work with insurance. The stress that comes with the medications. The stress of wondering if you'll have more kids. Am I being selfish? Is it selfish that I have two beautiful twins and I want more? Being a mom is everything to me. I love it.

Because I'm writing a more condensed version of this story, I'll just say we ran into a lot of problems with insurance. My fertility clinic was no longer covered and we had received no warning. With treatment already started, I was extremely stressed out. One option was to cancel the treatment, transport our embryo to a different fertility clinic that our insurance recognized and start over. I really didn't want to do that. A lot of tears were shed that day.

Long story short, we worked some things out, decided to continue my treatment and stay at my clinic. I'm so glad we were able to. Things always tend to work out, don't they?

         

Click here to read Part 2 

Infertility Is...

It's strange to look back on my fight against infertility. Your focus completely changes when you're pregnant.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember how difficult this has been all because I'm so happy for what's to come in 5 months. Nevertheless, I'm afraid it's something I will have to battle for each precious child we are blessed with. 

It's heartbreaking how many people face infertility. It reminds me of the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Infertility is real and it is hard. Many battle it privately. More people than you would realize.

This is infertility:

it's learning a second language of acronyms

it's having a spare bedroom waiting to hold a crib

it's deleting Facebook to avoid pregnancy announcements

it's skipping your friend's baby blessing
it's day dreaming 
it's comparing yourself to the pregnant teenagers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and unmarried

it's holding back tears through baby showers

it's bruises on your stomach, arms, and hands from all the needles

it's forgetting what it's like to feel "normal" because of all the hormone treatments

it's a constant prayer in your heart

it's a constant taunt in the back of your head

it's hiding the pain, tears, appointments, medications, and failures from your family and friends

it's repetitive research in hopes to find something new

it's wishing you were normal

it's  making decisions you never thought you'd have to make

it's evaluating everything you eat

it's avoiding future plans

it's incessant torture of what ifs

it's slowly opening to the thought of adoption

it's always having a tear ready to fall

it's dreaming you're pregnant only to wake up empty
it's a torment of whys 
it's bills upon bills

it's looking in the mirror and imagining a baby bump
it's seeing your doctor more than your friends

it's feeling too young for infertility
it's a test of your endurance 

it's having names picked out but wondering how many you will actually get to use
it's trying not to get your hopes up 

it's wishing you had everything that pregnant women complain about 

it's being thankful for the friend you can confide in and trust

it's being so nervous to take a pregnancy test you make yourself sick
it's feeling guilty - guilty to your husband that you can't do your part 

it's pushing your limits of hope

it's love 

it's a miracle

it's turning your heart to the Lord and trusting He hears your cries.

The Hard Side of Sharing the News

After I used to cry when I found out other couples were pregnant I always told myself that when/if I got pregnant I would make up for that sadness by shouting it out to the world. It would finally be my turn right?

As we have been slowly letting people in on the news I've paid close attention to their reactions. For example, I told a few ladies together the other day and I got mixed responses.

First was from a lady who is done having kids. I could tell she was so very excited for me.

The second was a girl my age who is married, but doesn't have kids yet. She said it was the best news she'd heard and said I was going to be a great mother (that warmed my heart). I could tell she was genuinely happy for me.

Third was another girl my age and married. She was more unexpressed and said a simple congratulations and that was it. It reminded me of myself months ago. Is she baby hungry? Is she suffering through infertility? Did I just rub salt into a wound? She's merely an acquaintance so maybe I'm just looking into it too much.

How can I be so overwhelmed with joy for finally becoming pregnant when there's so many others struggling? I want to say it's not fair, but at the same time I fought my war against infertility. After many battles I finally came out the winner. 

I'm so torn. I know I can't expect everyone to be happy for me, but it breaks my heart when I can tell that they're not. It's been an interesting situation I'm trying to navigate.

Any suggestions on what to do?

Ten Tips for IVF

They're a bit random, but here are some things I did during my IVF that helped things go smoother, as well as some things I wish I would have known beforehand. 

1. Get an electric heating pad. You will never want to take it off! It's great to help with the cramping after egg retrieval and also nice after the embryo transfer.

2. Try to relax and keep your retrieval and transfer week free. I still went to work, but I sit all day at a desk. Just take it easy, take deep breaths, and try to relax.

3. Before doing your injections, push and pull the syringe several times to make it less stiff. It will help the injection go in more smoothly.

4. Document everything. Whether it's a journal, blog, or keeping all your medical documents in a folder. You can use what you saved to help others, or to use again for reference.

5. Stay away from the infertility forums. Maybe this tip isn't for you, but I learned my lesson back in November with my first IUI. I was constantly checking an infertility board on Baby Center and it stressed me out more than it helped. If you need someone to talk to, this leads me to my next tip...

6. Confide in a friend. Whether everyone knows or nobody knows, find a friend you can confide in and discuss all the details with. It's a huge relief to just talk things over with someone you can trust. You can talk to me too! 

7. Download an app to remind you to take your medications. I used the app, MediSafe, and it gives me reminders to take my vitamins/meds/injections at the appropriate time of day.

8. If doing injections make you nervous, play a happy song! I frequently listened to "Happy" from Despicable Me 2. It helped make the situation more light and -can you believe it- fun.

9. Think happy thoughts! Just thinking positively or repeating affirmations can positively affect your attitude. By just saying phrases like "My body is healthy," and "I can carry a baby," you will start to believe yourself and your body will too. 

10. Try to schedule your transfer early in the morning. You need to go in with a full bladder to straighten your uterus and make the ultrasound visibly better. I woke up in the morning and went straight to my appointment without using the bathroom. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but I didn't have to worry about drinking a ton of water, and my bladder was so nice and full it gave my doctor a straight shot for transferring those precious embryos. 

Bonus: If you have any remaining embryos that you plan to freeze, make sure you are fully aware of when they plan on freezing them and what the odds are of them surviving until the freeze so you get no surprises. I was unaware they were doing an extended culture to six days. I was shocked to get a call saying 2 of our embryos didn't last and just 1 was viable for freezing. 

I hope these help! Let me know if you have any great tips by commenting below.

1 + 3 = 4

Today Chris and I went to our doctor appointment to see our Itty Bitty Ivie for the first time! The ultrasound probe went in and BAM there's my left ovary. Nothing exciting there. Shift over to my uterus and there they are. Yes, they. 

We definitely knew it was a good possibility, and my HCG levels were so high, but I would often just dismiss the idea. 

TWINS.

Yes, we are having twins.

Twins!

They will be fraternal of course, so I am wishing for a boy and a girl. I can dream right? Two boys would be too mischievous and two girls would be too dramatic. A boy and a girl would be perfect. 

I can't even focus at work right now. I keep thinking about everything in twos. And about Italian food. 

My brain at the moment:

Two cribs, two car seats, two swings, where will all this fit? What are the odds of me getting a c-section? Will I be HUGE? Will I ever not be nursing? What are the genders? What will we name them? Them?! I'm having two? TWO. Two babies. Babies! I will become a diaper ninja. What is my family going to say? How will we celebrate their birthdays? Can we afford two? I'm hungry. I want lasagna! And brownies. 
Wait, I'm pregnant? 

As I have demonstrated, I am shocked and still trying to grasp the idea that I am actually (and finally) pregnant. Right now I am 5 weeks and 2 days along. I'll be setting a 7 weeks appointment to see the heartbeats and check on their growth. My doctor said there's about an 80% chance both babies will continue to develop. That's actually higher than I thought, but of course we are keeping catuious hearts since things can still happen in these early stages. We saw both gestational and yolk sacs and they are right at the size they should be. So far everything looks great! 

I am so happy that God is trusting us with not just one, but two of his precious children. As overwhelming as having twins is already, it is such an immense blessing. I'd rather have my hands full than empty.

I don't have an official diagnosis. There's so many different hormones that don't work right in my body that I might not be able to find a solution to fix all my problems. I may or may not have to use assisted reproductive technology for the rest of my pregnancies. That is what makes getting two this pregnancy even more of a blessing. There has been so much to be thankful for all throughout these many months of trying! I can't wait to start our family.

I'm going to have to change the name of my blog! We're not talking singular any more!

And to think, Chris wanted to try and get three embryos in me...

Results...

After waiting ALL day for my blood test results when it should have only been a couple hours, I finally got the call! I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I made myself sick. I even had to remind myself to breathe sometimes. I was obviously freaking out. So much was weighing on this call and the result could change our lives. Well, a nurse finally called me close to 6pm and...

 




















Normally they like to see hCG levels around at least 100 mlU/mL and mine was at 1305! She said I was "good and pregnant." I honestly didn't know what to say because I was so shocked. I'm still shocked. After so many failures you get used to it. To have a positive result is unreal! She told me congratulations and I had to process what for. Was a truly pregnant? After I got of the phone I cried and cried and prayed. I am so thankful. 

Chris was half asleep when he found out. His response was a hazy, "That's awesome." Poor guy is still heavily drugged. I thought when I woke up the next morning it would feel more real, but it's still so hard for me to believe. We are SO excited though! I have an appointment next week to do a 5 weeks ultrasound to see the gestational sac(s) which should determine if we have twins or not. Can you believe this? I still can't!

Tomorrow's the Day!

Tomorrow is the big day! I couldn't be more nervous and excited. My blood test is tomorrow morning, so we should know the results by the afternoon. Chris had knee surgery last week so we will both be home for the call since I've been working from home to help take care of him. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to react either way. It will still be shock if this actually works since nothing ever seems to go right in my body. I'm so tempted to just take a pregnancy test, but I'm too nervous! Wouldn't be amazing if I actually was pregnant with twins?! I'm sure it would be a complete shock with the amount of work taking care of two babies, but it would be so wonderful to see them learn, play, and grow together. I love all the YouTube videos of twin babies talking to each other and being each other's partners in crime. I can see the messes already.

The two week wait has actually flown by. Taking care of Chris certainly has helped pass the time. Plus all we do is watch House and StarWars as he recovers.Unfortunately they were only able to do a bone graft this time instead of fixing the ACL too, so he'll have to have surgery again this summer. Poor guy.

I'm not sure if I'm having early pregnancy symptoms or if it's a result of all my medications. Some of them are definitely not worth mentioning on the Internet. I have been tired a lot and my sleep has been awful. Waking up a ton, tossing and turning, dreams, then a night will come where I will sleep straight through. My appetite has been awful too. I'm either not hungry or I just want sweets. I can't stand the thought of carrots, almonds, lettuce, avocado and eggs (which I normally eat a lot), basically anything healthy. I made us salads the other night and I couldn't eat mine. Maybe it's from the Metformin though. 

Do you see what I did there? I try to convince myself of other possibilities because I'm so nervous that I'm not pregnant. Where would we go from here? IVF is a huge deal and I don't want to do it again this soon. I'm getting tired of keeping this a secret, but we still don't want to tell everyone what's been going on until we are good and pregnant. 

Now I'm just rambling because I'm nervous. I'm sure if this is what God wants for us, He will make it happen. I guess we will know tomorrow!

Rolling With The Punches...At Least Trying

The two week wait is already starting to take its toll. Just the day after transfer the roller coaster started. Ups and downs, highs and lows, hope and fear. 

I got an unexpected call last night. The woman on the other end was one of the embryologists.

"Good news! One of your embryos lasted through the extended culture and is ready for cryopreservation. You have one great looking embryo for freezing!"

Wait. What? One? 

"Just one made it? The other two didn't last?"

"The other two didn't make it, but the one you have looks great!" 

This seemed to rehearsed. Her cheerful tone was her trying to make up for the fact we lost two embryos. I was dumbfounded and the phone call ended. Chris could hear the conversation and immediately got upset. I just didn't understand.

What extended culture? I thought they froze them on Saturday? Weren't they going to freeze all three of them? You mean to tell me we just paid well over a thousand dollars out of pocket to just freeze one little embryo? Why did they extend the culture? No one told me they were doing that?

My mind was moving a mile a minute, but was stunned and slow at the same time. What just happened? Chris started asking me all these questions that I didn't know the answer to. I couldn't contain the tears. 

All that work just for three embryos? Two transferred fresh and just one that has a 50% chance of making it through the thaw for a frozen transfer? I felt doomed. Doomed that I would have to do this all again. The blood tests, the ultrasounds, the medications, the shots, the surgery. Doomed that there isn't enough left in our infertility benefit for another full IVF. 

How did we go from 19 to 10 to 9 to just 3? Why do I have to go through this? I'm too young. This isn't fair. I was supposed to have 3. That could be at least 2 more transfers, not just one with an undesirable chance of survival. 

All this was like a flash, and then it occurred to me. 

"Chris, it doesn't matter how many we have frozen, what matters is the two that are already inside me." 

I have never wanted twins more in my life. 

The Bachelor was about to start and I had already made plans to watch it with my neighbor. I dried my tears, covered my face with my glasses, took a deep breath, went over and pretended everything was fine. 

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep this morning. I can't stop praying. I need this to work. My heart broke a little with the news last night. I can't handle anymore heart break. 

Please give us twins. If not, please just one.

Embryo Transfer!

Saturday was the BIG day! I am blown away at how far we've come.

We arrived at the clinic at 8:30am Saturday morning with my bladder very full. They ask you to come with a full bladder because it helps straighten the uterus and visually helps through abdominal ultrasound because water helps with ultrasound waves. TMI, but I never peed when I got up that morning, so I really had to go! 

First we met with a nurse and signed some papers. From the sounds of it everything has been going by the textbook. Usually by day 5, half of the embryos are too poor quality to keep for freezing. With transferring the 2 that day, we would only have 3 leftover for cryopreservation. Good thing is that those three were all good quality and should be great for future frozen transfers.

The nurse offered me Valium and I almost said yes, but for the wrong reasons (I'm hilarious on it). I'd heard that transfers are similar to an IUI so I knew I could handle the pain. Plus I wanted to be coherent during the procedure. This time Chris got to join me in the OR. I got to put on my sexy grown, hat, and booties, and Chris got a ravishing yellow cover, complete with booties, hat, and mask. What's with the mean face Chris?

When we went into the OR we had to wait for awhile, so we got to chat with one of the Medical Assistants and get to know her better. I was cozy with warm blankets and my husband's hand holding mine. It was also very cool because they had a TV screen showing the view through our embryologist's microscope in the next room over. It was amazing to see him prepping our little embryos. He introduced himself as our "babysitter" and that they've been doing great! He also kept calling them our little babies. I thought that was funny because I figured the embryologist would be more technical in his terms. I loved it though.

Eventually our doctor came in and got everything ready which included the dreaded speculum. That thing was just hanging out in my you know what for a good 20 minutes. I've lost count how many times I've had to encounter that evil device. But I didn't even care this time, I was too excited. They have to handle things very carefully and have a set of keywords to know when the doctor and embryologist are ready and are transferring the catheter with our two precious little embryos, or what I like to call our little "embies". I actually didn't even realize when he inserted the catheter and released the embryos, I was that relaxed! Sometimes you can see a little speck pushed through the catheter into the uterus on the ultrasound, but I missed it. The embryologist then checked the catheter to ensure both got out. Everything looked good, so they had me rest for a little while and then sent us on our way.

We went home and took it easy the rest of the day per doctor's orders. I felt bad because it was my brother's birthday and we had to miss his family dinner. The next morning I had exerted myself a little too much, so now I'm really paying attention to my body and making sure I'm relaxed as possible. I'm still on several medications and have added in progesterone and Cabergoline. The Metformin still makes me sick, but I just taking it all in stride.

And the best part of all this? We got a picture! It might sound weird to love a bunch of cells, but I do. I love them for their potential. Their potential to make us parents and give us not just one, but maybe even two very desired children, and to fulfill our dream of starting a family.

Babies first picture?

We are just so excited and truly hope it works this time. Knowing I have two precious embryos inside me is just so surreal. I can't tell you how overjoyed I will be if I become pregnant! It's strange to think that if all this works out, technically I will be three weeks pregnant tomorrow. What?! It's weird because I'm not pregnant, but by the way it is measured I would be three weeks pregnant at this point. 

Implantation should happen within the next few days. Praying and having faith is all we can do at this point, and boy are we praying!

See the sucker in his mouth? That's his favorite part of going to the doctor with me!

 

Embryo Report #2

It still blows my mind how fast everything has gone. Disneyland seems like forever ago, but we've only been home two and a half weeks since we were there! 
Times files when you're on drugs ;)
Fertility drugs that is. 

Today we got our day 3 embryo report. When I answered the phone the nurse almost sounded remorseful. Of course my heart started racing and I assumed the worse. She then went on to give me the report and it wasn't bad at all! One of our embryos was even graded as excellent which is pretty rare. Grading systems vary from clinic to clinic and are always subjective. The embryo grading does not tell us what is going on inside the embryo genetically, so even a poor embryo could develop into a successful pregnancy and a good embryo might not. The grading system does help to determine which embryos they will want to transfer and which they will want to freeze.You'll notice that we lost one, which is normal, but we still have 9 embryos and that is awesome. They like to see around 8 cells on day three.

I organized them by grade and then by number of cells.

 Day 3 embryos are called clevage stage embryos. They are called this because they are dividing (also known as cleaving, hence the name), but they are not growing at this stage. I heard it explained like a pizza. When you slice it, you get more pieces, but the pizza does not get larger. The cells divide and the genetic material duplicates, but the volume of the embryo is no different than the volume of an unfertilized egg.

Here's what an 8 cell embryo looks like:

Can you believe that a bunch of little cells grow into a living, breathing, human? I've seriously learned more through our infertility than I did in all my science/biology classes combined. There's such a difference when it directly applies to you.

I still don't have any symptoms of OHSS, thank goodness. Hopefully I'm in the clear. I'm still super bloated to the point that I actually look pregnant, but it's slowly going away. Most of my pain comes at night which is strange, but at least I eventually fall back asleep. Transfer is still set for Saturday morning...can't wait!

Embryo Report

I have been anxious ALL day to get a call from my clinic. We find out how many eggs were fertilized today! It's incredible the technology available to allow in vitro fertilization.

I remember telling Chris yesterday that I would be elated if we got 10 fertilized. I thought that would be the perfect number. 

Well my phone finally rang. I was nervous and excited. Here's the news!

I got my perfect number! We are anticipating a day 5 blastocyst transfer for Saturday morning! I am so excited! So far I haven't had any symptoms of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom) which is very very good. If I do happen to get OHSS (I'm at risk of it due to very high estrogen levels) they would want to freeze all the embryos and do a frozen transfer at a later time. I am praying my heart out that I do not get OHSS because I simply can't wait any longer. I want a kid this year please! Unfortunately not all embryos make it and some may die. I should be getting a call this Thursday with another report. We are just continuing to be watched over! So many precious miracles already.

Egg Retrieval

Instead of being scared out of my wits, I've been really excited for egg retrieval day. Chris and I have been watching the show House a lot and I just love learning about the body and different medical procedures. So I was somewhat thrilled about having surgery and "going under" since it's something I've never experienced before. 

I think if I could sum up the surgery in one word it would probably be "awesome". How often does someone think surgery is awesome? Perhaps it's because I feel one step closer to our end goal. (And recovery isn't terrible). 

We got to the clinic at 8:30 and went back into a private consult room. Chris left to go do his part (collection) and a nurse took me back to get changed into a very stylish gown, blue booties, and a sexy cap.

Pre-Surgery

Then they brought me into the OR and had me lay down with some warm blankets. The anesthetist poked and prodded until he finally found a vein for my IV. He was cracking jokes the whole time and said the vein on my neck looked very inviting. No thanks! Then the embryologist came in and introduced herself. She acted like she just drank about 20 cups of coffee. The anesthetist told me he was starting the IV and that I should feel calm. I asked if that was the stuff that would put me out and he said he would administer that soon. Next thing I knew I was a giggling mess in a different room and in a different bed. I immediately realized what happened and told Chris, "That was the coolest thing ever!" Still groggy and giggly, a nurse came in and said they got 19 eggs.

"19! 19! Chris, 19? That's so cool! 19!" I was high. And elated. Chris said that the doctor already told him and that he sounded pretty excited about the success. I've heard of people getting more, but I didn't expect I would have 19 eggs worth retrieving.  

Apparently at one point I said, "I could do this everyday if I didn't have to go to work!" Obviously the pain medicine hadn't worn off yet. 

I then went on about how the anesthetist was a liar and put me out earlier than I was expecting. I thought I would have to count down like they do in the movies. I still can't get over how cool it was. The nurse gave me a heating pad which helped with the intense cramping. She also brought us apple juice and bunny crackers which further elevated my super excited high state.The nurse went over some things with me and helped me to stand and see if I was good to go home. Shortly after I got changed and Chris helped me walk out to the car. I just laid on the couch the rest of the day. It wasn't too painful, just a lot of cramping and back pain. 

Post-Surgery

Chris had to work that afternoon since end of month is always really crazy. Ashley would check on me every now and then and our wonderful Primary President brought us dinner. It definitely put my cooking to shame. Probably the best chicken enchiladas we've ever had. 

Well now it's the day after and I'm doing really good. I haven't even taken pain killers today. I went to work and took it easy. The heating pad Ashley let me borrow is probably my favorite thing in the world right now.

The hCG shot and other meds, plus the huge amount of bloating from the surgery has really messed with my digestive system. I'm either nauseous or craving things. Seriously, all I can think about right now is ice cream.

Ice cream...