Weekend Rollar Coaster

Well, I'm back at it again! I started Femara last Thursday and had a baseline ultrasound on Friday. My doctor wanted to check my cyst to see if it's causing any problems, as well as lay out the plan for this month and get some blood work. Thankfully the cyst is just chilling there, so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm doing the same thing again this month but they're increasing the dosage for my FSH injections to 150 units and will monitor my progesterone after my IUI. They think the increased dosage of FSH will also increase my progesterone after ovulation. So my doctor appointment went well and we have a plan for January.

On Saturday I called Freedom Fertility Pharmacy to refill my injectables that I needed to start taking on Monday. They have overnight shipping so I thought it would be fine. We met up with some friends from school at the nickle arcade where the boys played and the girls talked. Of course having kids was brought up and I acted like I've hardly thought about it. That's always my response. It's sort of my defense mechanism. Only a couple people know what we're going through and I want it to stay that way. But while we were chatting I noticed I had a voicemail from the pharmacy. I went out to the car and called them back. Unfortunately they didn't have good news. My insurance is no longer covering my FSH injections and I would need to pay hundreds of dollars for them. Also, because of this, they were unable to send my injections which meant I wouldn't get them in time. The poor guy on the phone had to listen to me cry and beg him to help me. I had no notification of insurance changes and I felt doomed. All I could do was wait until Monday to talked to my insurance because the pharmacy was closing. 

Chris came and found me while I bawled all over him. He's the best. He always knows what to do. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. I felt hopeless.

Sunday I cried even more. I don't know if it was because I will still upset about my insurance or if it was because we were prayerfully fasting again that we could be blessed with a child. We felt the spirit strongly with us and it gave me new hope. 

Monday I was ready for battle. I checked with my insurance to see if there were any other brands that they covered for FSH and thankfully they covered two others. All day I was stepping out of the office to take phone calls and get everything sorted out. After about a dozen calls, my doctor wrote a new prescription for my FSH and I set up delivery for my new Gonal-f injections. I wouldn't receive an injection in time for that night, so my clinic generously donated some Bravelle to me so that I would have some. That's worth some big $$$ they donated. I love my clinic. I was surely being watched over. 

Want to know the best thing I learned from all this? I changed my perspective. Instead of getting angry and asking WHY did this happen? I said to myself, hey maybe this is God's way of getting involved because he knows I will respond better to this new kind of injection than the one I had before. 

I'm feeling good. I know I'm being watched over. Round three of injections: commence!

Curveball!

So of course once a plan is set perfectly in place my body has to go mess things up. After I got home from work the day of my ultrasound I realized I had forgotten to take an ovulation test that morning. So I took one expecting nothing of it and lo and behold it was positive! Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot! What do I do? The office was closed and in a moment of panic I telephoned the doctor on call. Good thing I did, because he told me to take my trigger shot right away and schedule an IUI for the next day. I felt horrible calling him after hours, especially since he was at his son's viola concert. But at the same time, I think I saved him for boredom because he told me he didn't want to listen to it anyway! Unfortunately the positive ovulation test messed up the timing of everything and made things harder to control. He had me take the trigger shot to help ovulation just in case. The next morning I was able to schedule the insemination in the afternoon and collection for Chris at noon. It messed up Chris's work schedule and meetings but it all worked out. Thankfully his semen analysis was so much better this time. And motility was at 86% compared to 52% last time! Even though I only had one mature follicle, I think the IUI was still definitely worth it.

Just waiting for another IUI!

I asked my ovulation specialist if she could do a quick ultrasound just to see if we could tell if the egg had been released. It was really hard to see but it looked as if it might have and there was a corpus luteum collapsing.
This IUI seemed much smoother and there was a lot less discomfort (even the dreaded speculum wasn't so bad). After laying down for a little while I went on my way and worked from home the rest of the day. Overall things just feel so much more "right" this time. Even though the plan changed a little, everything feels great and I'm so thankful I felt a prompting to take an ovulation test. Had I not, we would have missed it and the whole cycle would have been wasted.

Post IUI Relaxing

Yesterday Chris and I went over to help unpack my mom's new house and we found a tape recording of me when I was a baby up to when I was three. Chris and I kept making eye contact and it was like we were reading each other's minds: We can't wait. Praying this one sticks!

Injections and ultrasounds and a cyst oh my!

It's funny when you're trying to conceive and doing all these fertility treatments how something so small can make such a huge difference. Before treatments I just thought about how sperm meets egg...everything goes right...baby! But now there's so many more steps to think about. The picture just got a whole lot bigger. I'm banking on these teeny tiny follicles to become the right size and then for at least one egg to grow and be released. Then I'm focused on having a good sperm count and praying that one little swimmer finds my little egg. And then for that little fertilized egg to implant into my uterine lining. Then wait for it to grow, grow, grow, and pray I won't miscarry and that in nine months time give birth to a precious child. It is all such a miracle! I cannot wait for ours. It will happen one day, right?

(blastocyst)bl

After doing 3 FSH injections the past week, today I went in for my follicular ultrasound to see if I'm ready to take my hCG trigger shot. They found a fluid filled cyst on the outside of my ovary, but it doesn't look like it will impact this cycle at all. They're going to check on it again in a few weeks. As long as it isn't growing or doing anything abnormal, they're not too concerned. Aside from that I only have one little ripe follicle on my right ovary, at about 16mm. My lining also looks perfect. I will trigger tomorrow night and have my IUI on Sunday. I was surprised when they said that, since I didn't think they would be open on a Sunday, but for time sensitive procedures like this they are. I'm really excited! Hubby and I know what to expect this time around and things just feel better than last time. That means I will take a pregnancy test the Sunday after Christmas...maybe Santa will come late this year? I'd be fine with that!

I'm a visual person, so I like this diagram to explain why follicles are so important. Before we started treatments I thought there's just an egg chilling in my ovary ready to pop out! Ha! There's more to it than that. The follicle has to mature and become bigger for the egg inside to be released from the follicle.

Keeping prayerful hearts for Sunday! 

(blastocyst)(

(blastocyst)

(blastocyst)

(blastocyst)

Try Try Again

I came out of my IUI with small hope. I didn't want to get excited in fear that the it wouldn't work.

But of course I started to have hope, lots of it. Chris too. He was getting excited. I think the pregnancy hormones from the trigger shot started to confuse me into believing this was actually happening. That the procedure worked and we would announce wonderful news to our families come Christmas. But in one moment it's all dashed when you realize you started your period. It came only nine short days after my IUI. Typically it should be about 14 days. We were in California for Thanksgiving with family so I had to hold my all emotions in. I told Chris before bed and I let out silent deep tears. Being around family was probably a good thing because I had to try and act like everything was okay. I think that helped my attitude in moving on.

I wasn't planning on trying in December so we could enjoy the holidays, but everything happened so fast and soon that I decided to go through it all again. Thankfully I will be in another two week wait for Christmas and won't need to see the doctor during that time.

I called our reproductive center and told them the news and asked what we should do this time. We are doing the same treatments as November, so I will be taking Femara and the injections again with the IUI. We know a lot more coming into it this time around so hopefully that will help.

Honestly, it's hard to not to wonder why my Heavenly Father isn't allowing this to happen. I beg and plead with him and hope he will give us a miracle. I have always had a hard time being patient. When I know I want something, I want it now. So perhaps He is trying to teach me patience. The teacher is always silent during a test. Even through the temptations to rebel against hope, I will fight back and hope that much harder.

Ultrasound and hCG Trigger Shot

On Saturday I had my follicular ultrasound. My follicles were still a bit too small, so my doctor had me do a forth FSH injection. He said the follicles grow about 2mm a day, so he set my IUI for Wednesday morning. I'm excited and nervous! Although I've learned by now that I should stop being nervous because every time I am it turns out to not be a big deal at all. 

Oh boy, now I'm bringing in the big guns!

Last night I took the hCG trigger shot. hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) is a hormone that is used to aid in the follicle maturation process and stimulate egg release. Typically women ovulate around 36 hours after the injection. That puts me at exactly 9am Wednesday morning, the exact time I'm getting the IUI. Timing is very important since eggs only typically live for 24 hours.

On another note, we are doing well. I have slowly been putting up Christmas decorations (yeah, yeah, yeah, you probably think it's too soon...) and we have been addicted to the new show Reign. Life is good and we are enjoying our time together! 

FSH Injections

Needles. Terrify. Me. 

No bueno.

Everyday I watched my Dad inject himself with insulin and it would make me shudder. I prayed I never would get diabetes and have to do the same. I should have also prayed I would never have to take anything else that required stabbing a needle into my stomach. 

When my package arrived with my injections I was overwhelmed and scared to death. I couldn't get over the 1 1/2 inch needles that were included in the box. I thought I was going to have to use those needles until I figured out I only had to use the 1/2 inch needles. Thank goodness! The box contained enough for three 113 unit injections of Bravelle (Follicle Stimulating Hormone). 

Fun fact: Bravelle comes from human urine. Thank you kind donors for sharing your pee with me. 

The package also had my trigger shot for my IUI. The trigger shot is a ginormous dose of hCG that triggers ovulation. Since I don't ovulate on my own this will certainly be necessary. 

(Sorry about the bad picture...my hands were shaking from being so nervous!)

Last night I did my first Bravelle injection. After tears and loving support from my husband I began the process. I had to mix three bottles of the Bravelle with the sodium chloride to get an amount concentrated enough for my dosage. And then I just did it. I stabbed the needle in my stomach and pushed in the plunger and took it out. I felt like a druggie. I freaked when I saw a small amount left in the syringe and stabbed myself again fearing I didn't get enough in. That probably wasn't smart, but I'm still alive. 

I'm not trying to make light of this situation, but joking about it helps me cope. 

All in all was it that bad? No. Was it worth the tears and anxiety? Not really. Now I know the next injection tomorrow will be fine and I shouldn't have to worry. But seriously though...needles are not cool.

The things I will do for an Itty Bitty Ivie!

Back to the drawing board - Month 2 Plan!