Part 4: I Will Wait for my Miracle

This is Part 4 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

More will be coming soon. Click the links to read Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3.

I will wait...

Two days later the blood came.

My body is mourning through tears of scarlet. Every cramp, every drop, reminds me of what is not to come. I had a due date. It was July 10th, 2016. I was so excited, I got my hopes up, but nothing will happen when July arrives. No special delivery.

Part of me thinks I'm being over dramatic, making mountains out of mole hills. But I am hurting. I have thought of this embryo every day since I knew of its existence. Everyday I have thought that my precious little embryo would one day become part of our family. That Boston and Lyla would have a little brother or sister. So much thought, hope, and love has gone into something so small, small as the period at the end of this sentence.

Writing helps the pain pass. I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn from this. I am not angry at God, just confused. I still expect great miracles from Him. After many years my sister was able to conceive naturally. She might not believe that it was a miracle from God, I don't really know her stance on it, but I certainly do believe it was. And now I'm waiting for mine. Something needs to happen because even though I was afraid I would never have more children, I'm going to fight for it. I don't know my plan, I don't want to do IVF again, but I will figure something out. I will wait for my miracle.

Talking with Chris about what happened breaks my heart even more. He really thought this was going to work and that we would be celebrating. That the voicemail from my nurse would bring tears of happiness, not tears of great sorrow. We both viewed this embryo as our next child, that this embryo would become a part of our family forever. We both felt like we lost a child that day. Our hearts are devastated.

Again, to those who know how I am feeling, to those women who have had miscarriages, who have lost a baby, I do not know how you do it. You are so strong. You are my heroes.

A message I will never forget

I had some leftover Endometrin (a really expensive progesterone medication) after our frozen transfer so I decided to donate it to my fertility clinic. Everything was still so fresh and painful that when we pulled up to the clinic I couldn't go in. I asked Chris to give it to the receptionists for me. Attached to the Endometrin I included a note basically explaining that I wanted it donated to someone that couldn't afford it and that I will be praying for that person to be able to get pregnant. Chris dropped it off and we drove away.

The next day I got an email from my nurse that meant a lot, especially during this sensitive time.

Rachel,
I just wanted to send an email letting you know that I received the donated Endometrin. Your note with it was painfully sweet to read. I have that little note saved on my desk as a reminder to myself to show grace when faced with a hard situation, as you did. Your note of compassion really stopped me in my tracks, because I know your own heart is hurting. Your act of kindness will be appreciated by someone beyond measure. I hope you are doing okay. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Her message is something I will never forget. Nurses truly are angels.

Each part of these posts were written over a year ago. I call them posts, but they really feel like personal journal entries. My journey didn't end with an unsuccessful frozen embryo transfer, it was actually just the beginning. I said I would wait for my miracle and that's just what I did. I can't wait to tell you about it.

More coming soon!

Click here for Part 5.

Thankful for Bad News

I was thinking today about how grumpy I've been and how I really should post some things I'm thankful for. And then I got bad news. And I cried. In the bathroom. At work. Like a baby. Because I want a baby.

But then I thought about how this would be a good opportunity for me to look for the good in something bad.

I'm going to start naming that thing... ;)

Well, my period came on Wednesday (cycle day 16) which is crazy early. It's because they didn't have me do the progesterone supplement, which only confirms that I do need it here on out. I won't even tell you how you're supposed to take the pill because it's nasty. So this morning I went in for a typical day 3 baseline ultrasound and blood draw. I only have one tiny vein they draw from and the vein is starting to get scarred. The ultrasound showed the corpus luteum in my left ovary is still there. Normally you would see the beginnings of some tiny follicles, but it was cloudy again. My nurse said she would call me later today after she talks to the doctor about what to do. I had been thankful my period came so dang early (twice in a month? yuck) because that meant I could accomplish 2 cycles in 1 month. Get 'er done! But my nurse called and said my left ovary needs to recover. She gave me two options.

1. Wait until my next period...which would never happen on my own. 
2. Take birth control pills for three weeks then wait for a period to come from it.

I've never taken birth control pills in my life. So I didn't like the idea at first, but then I knew I'd be waiting months for a period to come on it's own. I decided on the lesser of the two bummer options and will be taking birth control for the next three weeks. I cried after hanging up because it meant another month of waiting. That evil word snuck up on me again...WHY? But then I excused the word and starting looking for the positives and what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the chance to have a short break from doctor appointments, blood draws, pills, injections, and stress of it all to let my body rest. 

I am thankful that I can take the birth control pills because they will help "reset" my hormones and help me get in check for next time.

I am thankful for this time that I can focus on becoming one with my body and de-stress.

I am thankful for this time where I can focus solely on my husband and not have the distractions from infertility treatments. 

I have been really sensitive to news about new pregnancies so I have also deactivated Facebook. It's just too much for me, so I'm choosing to take a break from all that until I am strong enough to take it without sinking into a dark place. Again, I am thankful for this short break and plan to make the most of it. I want to focus more on my husband, and things I like doing like singing, baking, photography, enjoying the outdoors, reading, and exercising.

I have two goals for these next 4 weeks:

1. To go more than a day without crying...yes I am serious. 

2. To do as much as I possibly can with my husband, however big or small the adventures may be. 

Here's to a happy 4 weeks!