Rolling With The Punches...At Least Trying

The two week wait is already starting to take its toll. Just the day after transfer the roller coaster started. Ups and downs, highs and lows, hope and fear. 

I got an unexpected call last night. The woman on the other end was one of the embryologists.

"Good news! One of your embryos lasted through the extended culture and is ready for cryopreservation. You have one great looking embryo for freezing!"

Wait. What? One? 

"Just one made it? The other two didn't last?"

"The other two didn't make it, but the one you have looks great!" 

This seemed to rehearsed. Her cheerful tone was her trying to make up for the fact we lost two embryos. I was dumbfounded and the phone call ended. Chris could hear the conversation and immediately got upset. I just didn't understand.

What extended culture? I thought they froze them on Saturday? Weren't they going to freeze all three of them? You mean to tell me we just paid well over a thousand dollars out of pocket to just freeze one little embryo? Why did they extend the culture? No one told me they were doing that?

My mind was moving a mile a minute, but was stunned and slow at the same time. What just happened? Chris started asking me all these questions that I didn't know the answer to. I couldn't contain the tears. 

All that work just for three embryos? Two transferred fresh and just one that has a 50% chance of making it through the thaw for a frozen transfer? I felt doomed. Doomed that I would have to do this all again. The blood tests, the ultrasounds, the medications, the shots, the surgery. Doomed that there isn't enough left in our infertility benefit for another full IVF. 

How did we go from 19 to 10 to 9 to just 3? Why do I have to go through this? I'm too young. This isn't fair. I was supposed to have 3. That could be at least 2 more transfers, not just one with an undesirable chance of survival. 

All this was like a flash, and then it occurred to me. 

"Chris, it doesn't matter how many we have frozen, what matters is the two that are already inside me." 

I have never wanted twins more in my life. 

The Bachelor was about to start and I had already made plans to watch it with my neighbor. I dried my tears, covered my face with my glasses, took a deep breath, went over and pretended everything was fine. 

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep this morning. I can't stop praying. I need this to work. My heart broke a little with the news last night. I can't handle anymore heart break. 

Please give us twins. If not, please just one.

Embryo Report #2

It still blows my mind how fast everything has gone. Disneyland seems like forever ago, but we've only been home two and a half weeks since we were there! 
Times files when you're on drugs ;)
Fertility drugs that is. 

Today we got our day 3 embryo report. When I answered the phone the nurse almost sounded remorseful. Of course my heart started racing and I assumed the worse. She then went on to give me the report and it wasn't bad at all! One of our embryos was even graded as excellent which is pretty rare. Grading systems vary from clinic to clinic and are always subjective. The embryo grading does not tell us what is going on inside the embryo genetically, so even a poor embryo could develop into a successful pregnancy and a good embryo might not. The grading system does help to determine which embryos they will want to transfer and which they will want to freeze.You'll notice that we lost one, which is normal, but we still have 9 embryos and that is awesome. They like to see around 8 cells on day three.

I organized them by grade and then by number of cells.

 Day 3 embryos are called clevage stage embryos. They are called this because they are dividing (also known as cleaving, hence the name), but they are not growing at this stage. I heard it explained like a pizza. When you slice it, you get more pieces, but the pizza does not get larger. The cells divide and the genetic material duplicates, but the volume of the embryo is no different than the volume of an unfertilized egg.

Here's what an 8 cell embryo looks like:

Can you believe that a bunch of little cells grow into a living, breathing, human? I've seriously learned more through our infertility than I did in all my science/biology classes combined. There's such a difference when it directly applies to you.

I still don't have any symptoms of OHSS, thank goodness. Hopefully I'm in the clear. I'm still super bloated to the point that I actually look pregnant, but it's slowly going away. Most of my pain comes at night which is strange, but at least I eventually fall back asleep. Transfer is still set for Saturday morning...can't wait!

Embryo Report

I have been anxious ALL day to get a call from my clinic. We find out how many eggs were fertilized today! It's incredible the technology available to allow in vitro fertilization.

I remember telling Chris yesterday that I would be elated if we got 10 fertilized. I thought that would be the perfect number. 

Well my phone finally rang. I was nervous and excited. Here's the news!

I got my perfect number! We are anticipating a day 5 blastocyst transfer for Saturday morning! I am so excited! So far I haven't had any symptoms of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom) which is very very good. If I do happen to get OHSS (I'm at risk of it due to very high estrogen levels) they would want to freeze all the embryos and do a frozen transfer at a later time. I am praying my heart out that I do not get OHSS because I simply can't wait any longer. I want a kid this year please! Unfortunately not all embryos make it and some may die. I should be getting a call this Thursday with another report. We are just continuing to be watched over! So many precious miracles already.