We Can Do Better and Be Better!

“Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance.”

Russell M. Nelson

I haven't blogged much anymore because life is just crazy raising a family, nursing school, and a new job. But I really felt that I should share a lesson I taught on Mother's Day to all the women at church. It's all about a wonderful gift called repentance.

This past General Conference, our prophet Russell M. Nelson gave a fantastic talk. Even though it was delivered to the men during the Priesthood session, it is a message for us all.

"When Jesus asks you and me to “repent,” He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit—even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our [husbands], teach our children, and even care for our bodies."

For most of my life, I had no understanding that repentance was a gift, especially a gift to be used every day. Often times repentance is associated with these big scary sins. I used to look at repentance like it was something to be avoided as much as possible. If I put a visual to the word repentance as I used to see it, it would look kind of like this:

Almost like a sentence to repentance. Maybe you look at it that way too. But I’m learning to look at it as something beautiful.

My goal in writing this is that you can start to see it as something wonderful and beautiful too. The reason why repentance is so wonderful is that it is a divine tool that allows us to CHANGE and get closer to Christ every day.

"Too many people consider repentance as punishment—something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances. But this feeling of being penalized is engendered by Satan. He tries to block us from looking to Jesus Christ, who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us."

Almost 40 years ago, Elder Holland was trying to tell us the same thing: "Repentance is not a foreboding word. It is following faith, the most encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. Repentance is simply the scriptural invitation for growth and improvement and progress and renewal. You can change! You can be anything you want to be in righteousness."


There’s a story in the Ensign from last year that tells of a bishop explaining an important part of repentance to someone who came to visit with him because of a serious sin. The bishop told him: “You are thinking of repentance like you are flipping a switch from darkness to light,” he said. “As if you were a perfect 10, and because you sinned, you’re now an 8 or a 7.”

The bishop continued by saying, “In reality, none of us are 10s. In fact, we are probably closer to 1s and 2s. We’re not perfect to begin with. Repentance can cleanse us from sin, but it also helps us progress from 2s to 3s and 3s to 4s and so on until we reach that perfect 10 one day. Repentance helps us become more Christlike.”

Repentance is essential on the path towards perfection. A quote I love by Brad Wilcox says, “Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.” Repentance is progression. It is one step closer and closer to our savior.


Our prophet is yearning for us to “experience the strengthening power of daily repentance - of doing a little better each day.” He wants us to continually change. To progress towards Christ every day.

Ask yourself: Why is continual progression/change so important in life?
What are some ways you can stop being stagnant in life and continue to progress toward Christ?

What is holding you back from changing through repentance? When we change our ways and increase our focus on Christ, we see who we are truly meant to become.

When we look at daily repentance as a daily progression towards Christ, we will be continually changed. It is what allows the Savior to transform us into the best version of ourselves. Christ wants us to change and as we plead for the power of his infinite and atoning sacrifice to be applied in our lives, his ultimate healing will bring to each of our lives the ultimate change.

Jesus Christ is our means of change. Ask him to help you recognize the improvements you need to make in your life. As you continually turn to Him, he will bring the best out of you.

Just as the Savior changed the eyes of the blind, he can give you the eyes to see what you need to change in your life.
The Savior changed the ears of the deaf. And he can help you hear his voice.

He changed a few fishes and a couple of loaves of bread into enough to feed 5,000 people. And he will take your time, your energy, and your ability and magnify them and multiply them so that there is enough to spare.

Although our Lord Jesus Christ never changes, what he does change is us. 

I hope that you’re starting to associate repentance with a progressive change, rather than associate it with the heaviness of sin. 

Don't give up!

I know that all this talk of change can feel overwhelming. We are already doing so much, how in the world are we going to add change into our busy lives! But remember this: Change is why we came to earth. To change from the natural man into the queens in God's kingdom that we are destined to become.

As women, especially on a day like Mother’s day, we often reflect on our worth. We torture ourselves with “Am I good enough?” Am I a good enough friend, sister, wife, mother? With all this talk about change, it can feel overwhelming as our minds make a seemingly infinite list of all the things that we can change and do better. We are naturally so hard on ourselves. Sometimes we might think, is it still worth trying? I try and I try and I just feel like I keep failing.

You are enough. In fact, you're more than enough! Please, please, please watch this beautiful video and message from Elder Cornish.

Jesus Christ endured and completed His eternal, infinite atonement so that you and I can change. Repentance is what makes weak things strong and what helps us change.

President Nelson said he has recently found himself drawn to a verse in Doctrine and Covenants that says, “Say nothing but repentance unto this generation.”

I used to think verses like this one sounded kind of mean and punishing. But now I understand.

I finally understand that repentance is not something to be dreaded, but something to be embraced. I am grateful for repentance because it is the tool I can use each day to do better and be better than I was the day before. I'm grateful for repentance because it allows the Spirit to guide me in ways of continual progression to be more like my Savior. I'm grateful for repentance because even though I fail and fail, and fail again, repentance always allows me to try again.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you. They are rooting for you. They want you to repent and change because it will bring happiness and peace to your life, and ultimately bring you back to them. They are on your side. Keep trying, do your absolute best, and remember that Christ makes up for all the rest.

Nursing School

When I gave birth to my sweet Cosette last year, I enjoyed every moment I was in the hospital. I loved the environment, the nurses, the knowledge they had, and the kindness of their hearts. I wanted to be just like them. Within a week of bringing Cosette home I started thinking about nursing school and how strongly I felt about it. They were very intense feelings. I wrestled with the idea for a month straight, mostly thinking it would be absolutely impossible. However, I had this constant spiritual nagging telling me this is what I was supposed to do. Even with the promptings I felt so hopeless with the idea of leaving my kids to go to school and eventually, to work. It was especially hard to think about this while holding a tiny baby in my arms. Everyday I would research and learn everything I could about nursing school, but I still felt utterly overwhelmed and I was terrified of letting God down because I truly believed I couldn't do it. I didn't feel smart enough or strong enough. But as hard as I tried, I could not get rid of the thoughts of going to nursing school. It was constantly on my mind and deep down I knew it was something I needed to do. So I made the choice, I was going to go to nursing school. I had no idea what I was going to do with my kids, but I knew if this was what God wanted me to do, he would provide a way.

It took some research but I found the perfect program for me. Weber State University was the only school in the area that would accept all the work I did from the degree I earned from BYU-Hawaii. They have a bachelors of nursing program, and I would be able to get into the program sooner than any of the other schools around. I was so set on this school and knew it was the right one that we even moved to be closer to the campus. This was an act of faith considering I hadn't even applied yet!

I had several prerequisites to do, but was blessed with the ability to take all of them online so I could still be with my little baby. I remember even taking some psychology tests while nursing Cosette! There was lots of anatomy, physiology, chemistry, and pathophysioloy, but for the first time ever, I was absolutely loving what I was learning. I thrived in my classes. I remember my first anatomy and physiology test I got a 100% when the class average was 64%. More people failed that class than passed! It was a HARD class. I worked my butt off, but I really attribute my straight A's to reading the scriptures before I studied, and never studying on a Sunday. I'm grateful for the blessings I received for doing those things and showing my Heavenly Father the priority He is in my life. 

Weber State University has graciously accepted me into their program and I couldn't be more excited (or terrified)! January is when it all begins! I still feel guilty thinking about being away from my kids, but I hope someday they will be inspired by me doing this. And just like I said earlier, if this is what God wants me to do, then He would provide a way. And provide a way He did, in ways we never could have imagined a year ago. 

Little Ivie #3

It's hard to believe it has been two months since having our baby!  

If you don't already know, much to our surprise I gave birth to a baby GIRL! Even though we didn't find out the gender, we were pretty sure it was going to be a boy. The original name we were considering for a girl just didn't seem to fit her, so it took us awhile to find one that did. After a day of getting to know her, we finally named her Cosette. (No, we didn't name her from Les Mis. We just love the name plus my husband speaks French. He even says her name with a French accent!) We also call her Cosy. 

Other then an extremely painful false alarm trip to the hospital a week prior, her birth was wonderfully uneventful. It was incredible, and just like the twins birth, I wish I could relive the day again and again. It was also nice that I didn't have to give birth in the OR in front of 10+ people again! She came out with brown hair just like Boston did. The first thing my doctor said about her is that she looks just like the twins. She is a perfect combination of them. 

It was so sweet when the twins got to meet her. They were curious about this new place they were in, but even more curious about this new little baby. We gave them each a baby doll to take home and care for. 

My doctor and nurses were the best. After we got home from the hospital I would just cry and cry because I missed them so much...my incredible doctor, nurse Jeanie and nurse Kara to name a few. I missed being in the hospital and getting enormous trays of food. I wanted to do it all again. I was unaware that my husband audio recorded the whole birth. When he shared it with me my heart leaped. What a gift it was to hear what was going on in those precious moments and to hear Cosy's first cry again. 

Cosette is a wonderful and happy baby. She even gained a whole pound in her first week. She is a GOOD eater! I've been able to breastfeed her which has been a wonderful blessing. The twins wouldn't breastfeed, so I wasn't sure how this would go, but I love it. I will definitely take it over exclusively pumping again! That was flat out awful. 

We've also discovered how hard twins really are. I'll say it again and again: I rather have two toddlers and a newborn than have two newborns! Thank goodness we didn't know any different at the time. I feel for the parents that have twins after having just one! 

Life hasn't been too eventful since Cosette was born. We blessed her at church a few weeks ago. I distinctly remember from the blessing that Cosette was told she is a miracle. She certainly is. Sometimes I look at her and can't believe that she really is mine. She's perfect and fills a void we didn't even know we had in our family. I love that each of my children are wonderful miraculous gifts from heaven. It took a little adjusting, but Boston and Lyla are great big siblings. Boston loves giving baby "Coo-sette" hugs and kisses. Lyla loves to help take care of Cosy by getting me burp cloths and bringing me a diaper after Lyla announces that Cosy is poopy. It's crazy at times having three kids under three, but I'm loving the challenge. 

Cosy is my little sidekick. It's been wonderful to have a baby that I can tote around. That was very difficult to do with the twins since I only had two hands. She smiles and sleeps well and is growing so fast. My favorite thing about her is that she laughs in her sleep! She even joyfully snorted while sleeping yesterday. I simply adore this little girl and I am so, SO grateful to have her. 

Chris's Reaction to the Amazingly Great and Wonderful Surprise News!

I thought it would be fun to have Chris type out his reaction to the positive pregnancy tests I gave him, especially since it was hard to read what was going through his head. This post is all from him!

It's Thursday evening and I'm excited to be home. I'm always excited to come home. My kids are especially playful and momma has a smile on her face so I'm on cloud 9. We're all downstairs playing and having a great time. There's extra levity in the air and it's turning into a memory I would remember regardless of the bombshell or not... but oh was there a bombshell.

Babe gets my attention and says she has something for me and pulls out a wrapped box. It's not my birthday, Christmas, anniversary (yes I remember our anniversary), nor any other occasion I can remember and we aren't really the couple that surprise each other with gifts, so obviously I'm curious. (Rach has a video of this but she won't show it because of something I say right when I open it, which is a funny anecdote.) To paint the scene we're in our bedroom downstairs, I've just tickled the twins like crazy and jumped around the bed making a mess of the bedding but it's all in good fun. We're catching our breath and momma hands me the gift. I'm surprised and intrigued but can't really remember what I thought it might have been, but I can say that I wasn't expecting what it actually was.

I unwrap the gift and see a thermometer, well what I thought was one at first (and I think I touched it before realizing what it was) but only a second or two later I realize what it really is. I quickly look up at Rachel (without reading the result) and now I immediately think she's got to be pregnant otherwise she wouldn't show me this. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can do deductive reasoning! I look back down and see that it's positive. I'm happy, I'm surprised, I'm ecstatic, I'm every positive emotion for like 3 seconds until the doubt sets in...But we didn't do IVF, and the last time we did it didn't work. I got my hopes up before and I wanted to keep myself in check before I'd let myself get them up again, which to be honest is a little sad, well it's very sad because I'm purposefully repressing hope to shield myself from the pain again. The pain I felt back in November when what I really wanted, and what I really thought was going to happen...suddenly didn't.

So I process she's pregnant, I'm hopeful, but then I put my guard up. "How? Are you sure?" She shrugs her shoulders with a smile, "I think so". Neither of us believe the third positive pregnancy test I made her take. Both of us remember the repressed pain and try to repress it further by putting our guard up and letting doubt win. To my recollection we celebrated but it was a hesitant celebration, like we kind of let ourselves believe it might kind of sort of be possible and how great and amazing that would be, but we didn't really believe it at the same time. We got to talk a lot on a drive up to Idaho for a friend's wedding that weekend, but we mostly didn't bring it up. Even at the wedding when Rachel had an upset stomach we both thought it was because she ate too fast. Neither of us felt we could blame it on a miraculous parasite. 

Flash forward to the following Monday morning at the doctor's office, with the nurse walking into a hilarious scene. You could cut whatever weird mix of emotion was in the air with a knife. I still remember the thought in my head when the nurse congratulated us for being pregnant on our third, "Shut up with your congratulations until we see a blood test or ultrasound or concrete evidence." And what was weirder was neither of us really said anything, needless to say it was awkward. Which we have since cleared up with that same nurse. I couldn't believe it and my guard was up fully. I was ready to hear the tests were a mistake, multiple false positives, that Rach had a funky pee probably from asparagus. It messes with the smell and color so maybe it could do this. I didn't really let myself have the hope. It was too much pain last November and the subsequent months that followed. I had buried that hope for now, buried it good and deep.

Then the moment. I saw it. The doctor said it. Rachel saw it, said it, and confirmed it. But still I took a minute before I let my guard down, before I believed it. Even though they'd both said it I had to dig that hole open and let the hope run wild. But when it did... oh boy was it fast and overwhelming. I still feel like I asked at least 5 times in 5 different ways if the doctor was sure. When I pray for the twins I thank God for our two little miracles and this feels like it eclipses miracles. 

Those 3 seconds of joy and happiness I felt on Thursday was all I could feel now. Once I let my guard down it was down. I let myself believe. I opened myself up, I remembered the pain vividly from when it didn't work but it seemed to be erased little by little. The more I let myself believe the more that pain didn't matter anymore. It hurt like the dickens but now it didn't, now it doesn't.

I'm so very happy for this baby. Everyday I thank God for our new miracle, for "new baby" (we don't know the gender and I feel weird calling him or her 'it'). I was still skeptical, and I asked repeatedly what the odds of losing the baby could be, to what percentile confidence was the doctor? How many standard deviations? I needed the reassurance, I needed to know. The hurt was that deep, but by now my doubts are gone. This baby is coming and I'm so excited. Sometimes I even feel sorry for Boston and Lyla because I think they love my attention but this baby is going to get a lot of cuddles because I'm full of over a year of wishing I could have them. So ready or not New Baby, Daddy is bringing the cuddles!

I'm Pregnant?!!

How did I find out I was pregnant, especially since I wasn't expecting it?

I have to thank our local McDonald's for that. Every time I saw that McDonald's I had to fight every fiber of my being not to go and order a greasy double cheeseburger. For someone who doesn't eat fast food, this was very unusual. I guess I should mention that I had been feeling "off" as well due to extreme lightheadedness and some nausea.

I was concerned there was something wrong with me, but I also knew that what I was feeling could be signs of pregnancy even though it would pretty much be impossible. So the morning of October 6th, I took a cheap little .88 cent pregnancy test just to excuse that very unlikely possibility. When I looked at the pregnancy test there were two very clear lines. A quick review of the instructions confirmed that two lines meant positive. My pregnancy test was positive.

Even with a positive pregnancy test in my hands I didn't believe it. I immediately googled all the possible reasons for a false positive. Nothing I could find really explained it so I just chalked it up to being a cheap little test. However, I was feeling weird and I had been having the most ridiculous vivid dreams...

Two hours later I found myself in Walmart looking at a shelf of pregnancy tests, but this time I was looking at the fancy expensive ones. I had no idea what I was doing so I grabbed one that had 2 tests and had a $2 off coupon attached to it. (Score!) I also bought the twins plastic pumpkins to hold their Halloween candy in because it's impossible to go to Walmart without picking up something you weren't planning on buying, am I right?

I got home, fed the twins lunch, and peed in a cup.

I think the video below pretty much explains what happened. It's embarrassing and my voice is annoying, but this is real life people!

What?
What?
What?

I'm pregnant!

No hours and hours of doctors appointments, no needles and medications, no ultrasounds to check on my follicles, no daily blood draws, no stressful bills, no ovaries the size of tennis balls. Nope. Just a beautiful miracle from God.

I couldn't wait to tell Chris, so when he got home from work I gave him a gift box with my two positive tests inside. I was still in utter disbelief, clinging onto a small bit of hope that this was really happening when I gave him the box. We were both so shocked, he made me take another pregnancy test. (Spoiler alert: it was another positive!) I actually asked him to type out his reaction so I could share it here on my blog, but it's so long that I'm going to make it my next post. He's an overachiever :)

I'm pregnant!!!

*Special thank you to McDonalds and Clearblue ;)

Part 5: The Year 2016

This is Part 5 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

Click the links to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.

It's crazy to think that the previous parts of this story were written between August and November of 2015. Now it's the year 2017 and I'm trying to bridge the gap of what has happened since then.

After we found out the frozen embryo transfer didn't work I tried my best to cope around my pregnant friends and family. The holidays were especially difficult with one sister-in-law having a beautiful newborn and another sister-in-law announcing her pregnancy. I was happy for them, but in all honesty it was hard with the timing of it all. It was hard to know I could have been pregnant along with them. However, a couple weeks after we found out about the negative pregnancy test, a fire started burning within me to fight back. But I wanted to fight back on my own. I wasn't interested in going to fertility doctors anymore, or running more tests, and the last thing I wanted was the stress of another IVF. I started diving deeper into research that relates to me and my reproductive issues. I have never had a regular period in my life. The number of periods I've had without fertility medication can probably be counted on one hand. (You probably think having so few periods would be amazing! It kind of is, but definitely not worth the trouble and numerous hormone imbalances behind it.) But somehow I managed to have 3 periods within the first 8 months of 2016 all on my own. I didn't know if I was ovulating, but for me this was a huge step. Huge.

Somehow the stars all aligned and the timing of everything just worked. Turns out I got pregnant naturally in September of 2016!

What changed? What happened? Did going without any added sugars in my diet for 6 months do something? Did my body finally start to understand how it's supposed to function after I had the successful pregnancy and birth of my twins? Maybe those things helped, but I actually know the answer. It was my Heavenly Father and I know that to my core. It was so difficult exercising patience and moving forward with faith and hope in God's timing. I am very aware of all the intricacies that must happen for pregnancy to occur and with my reproductive issues, this pregnancy was nothing short of a miracle. I personally believe every pregnancy is a miracle, but this felt extra miraculous ;)

Waiting for my miracle wasn't all sunshine and roses. There were tears and sadness. I could sense my husband's yearning for another child stronger than ever. He kept asking when I would be willing to go back to our fertility doctor, but I didn't want to back...I didn't want to fail again. I started thinking about adoption, which is something I still really want to consider in the future. There was also a trial I faced that impacted me significantly, but now I can see God's hand in what happened and I believe its outcome helped me on the path to getting pregnant. However, that's a story for another time. I do want to share it, but I still feel too sensitive to talk about it.

Another important part of this journey is a priesthood blessing I received. Even though it was my sweet husband's voice I heard as I received this special prayer and blessing, I knew the words were coming from my Heavenly Father. The love I felt from my Father was so strong, especially as He told me I would have more children. I believed it. From that moment on I knew I would...just when was the question. That was September 4th, 2016. Two days later I conceived this precious child I am carrying, and 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. This might not mean much to you if you're not religious, but to me it just strengthens my testimony that much more of a loving Father in heaven.

I sent this to my hubby Oct 10th!

I remember reading stories of couples that went through IVF, had a baby, then went on to conceive naturally. I always wished their story could be my story, and now it is. Those stories gave me hope and now it's my wish that this journey of mine can do the same for others.

In the next post I'll share about finding out I was pregnant!

Part 4: I Will Wait for my Miracle

This is Part 4 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

More will be coming soon. Click the links to read Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3.

I will wait...

Two days later the blood came.

My body is mourning through tears of scarlet. Every cramp, every drop, reminds me of what is not to come. I had a due date. It was July 10th, 2016. I was so excited, I got my hopes up, but nothing will happen when July arrives. No special delivery.

Part of me thinks I'm being over dramatic, making mountains out of mole hills. But I am hurting. I have thought of this embryo every day since I knew of its existence. Everyday I have thought that my precious little embryo would one day become part of our family. That Boston and Lyla would have a little brother or sister. So much thought, hope, and love has gone into something so small, small as the period at the end of this sentence.

Writing helps the pain pass. I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn from this. I am not angry at God, just confused. I still expect great miracles from Him. After many years my sister was able to conceive naturally. She might not believe that it was a miracle from God, I don't really know her stance on it, but I certainly do believe it was. And now I'm waiting for mine. Something needs to happen because even though I was afraid I would never have more children, I'm going to fight for it. I don't know my plan, I don't want to do IVF again, but I will figure something out. I will wait for my miracle.

Talking with Chris about what happened breaks my heart even more. He really thought this was going to work and that we would be celebrating. That the voicemail from my nurse would bring tears of happiness, not tears of great sorrow. We both viewed this embryo as our next child, that this embryo would become a part of our family forever. We both felt like we lost a child that day. Our hearts are devastated.

Again, to those who know how I am feeling, to those women who have had miscarriages, who have lost a baby, I do not know how you do it. You are so strong. You are my heroes.

A message I will never forget

I had some leftover Endometrin (a really expensive progesterone medication) after our frozen transfer so I decided to donate it to my fertility clinic. Everything was still so fresh and painful that when we pulled up to the clinic I couldn't go in. I asked Chris to give it to the receptionists for me. Attached to the Endometrin I included a note basically explaining that I wanted it donated to someone that couldn't afford it and that I will be praying for that person to be able to get pregnant. Chris dropped it off and we drove away.

The next day I got an email from my nurse that meant a lot, especially during this sensitive time.

Rachel,
I just wanted to send an email letting you know that I received the donated Endometrin. Your note with it was painfully sweet to read. I have that little note saved on my desk as a reminder to myself to show grace when faced with a hard situation, as you did. Your note of compassion really stopped me in my tracks, because I know your own heart is hurting. Your act of kindness will be appreciated by someone beyond measure. I hope you are doing okay. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Her message is something I will never forget. Nurses truly are angels.

Each part of these posts were written over a year ago. I call them posts, but they really feel like personal journal entries. My journey didn't end with an unsuccessful frozen embryo transfer, it was actually just the beginning. I said I would wait for my miracle and that's just what I did. I can't wait to tell you about it.

More coming soon!

Click here for Part 5.

Part 3: The Results

This is Part 3 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

Part 4 will be published soon. Click the links to read Part 1 and Part 2. 

Fear and Faith

Monday morning, three days after my transfer, I woke up to find that I was spotting.

My heart sank. I was so scared.

I immediately prayed. As I was getting the twins up, I didn't know what to think. I almost felt like I was in shock and was putting that energy into doing all sorts of random chores. It wasn't bad, but of course I was really worried about what it meant. I had heard of implantation bleeding before, but fear of the worst came over me. I prayed, Chris prayed, and for a while it stopped and then started again. Part of me was saying that this was it, "game over." The other part of me was hoping that maybe this was a sign that this would work, that our little embryo implanted and I was experiencing implantation bleeding. I never bled when I got pregnant with the twins, but apparently it does occur in about 1 in 3 pregnancies. My nurse at the fertility clinic said it was probably just implantation bleeding and that I should take it easy.

There were many things pointing to this being a great sign, but I was still so scared. I stopped bleeding two days later, but late that night my mind wouldn't stop trying to figure out what all this meant. I prayed for peace and comfort until I was asleep. When I woke up the next morning I felt different. I was happy and hopeful again. And when I was alone, I didn't feel alone. Throughout this entire transfer process, every time I have sought after the Lord in faith I have felt His comfort and my fears were cast away.

The Results

One week later I had my blood test to see if I was pregnant. Fortunately Chris got to be with me and we spent the rest of the day together as a family. I hadn't decided how I wanted to receive the news, so I just left my phone in the other room. I ended up missing the call with the blood results at about 3:00pm. I checked my phone shortly after and noticed I had a voicemail from the clinic. I started to tremble a bit because I was so nervous. Chris and I decided to go for a drive and listen to the voicemail together. We ended up at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. The air felt heavy as Chris pressed play. I'll add that before our drive began I had feelings of rejoicing, feelings of love. I didn't know what it meant but I embraced it. The moment the message started to playback I knew.

The only word I can remember is "Negative".

I wasn't pregnant.

It felt like a minute passed before I could breathe. Then came the sobs for what felt like hours. It was one of the most painful cries I have experienced. I was crushed. In situations like this it is so common to start asking God, "Why?" But this time was different. Even though my heart was so heavy, so broken, I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked Him for the opportunity, thanked Him that I had a chance to give this embryo a home even though it was much too short. I thanked Him for Boston and Lyla. I pleaded with Him asking what I'm supposed to learn from this and what I'm supposed to do next. I then remembered what Chris had said in a blessing he gave me a couple weeks prior. In the blessing I was told to keep my head up. So that's what I did. With tears streaming down my face I held my head up and tried to focus on what I needed to do for my family, but I was unable to speak for 4 long hours.

At one point when the twins woke up from their nap I went in to get them, but the moment I saw them it just set me off. I fell to my knees in tears. I am so thankful for them. So thankful for their perfect little bodies and the chance I have to be their mother. With my hands on their cribs, Boston reached out and rested his hand on top of mine and Lyla gave me a smile. They are such precious gifts.

I feel so bad that Chris married a woman that has a hard time conceiving, even when all the conditions are almost perfectly controlled. He came to me wanting to add to our family. He wanted this so much. I wanted it too. You never know how much you want - no, need - something until you can't have it.

I'm fighting that urge. That horrible urge to give up. To sleep all day and not eat. My body wants to but my spirit is saying don't give up. Take care of your family. Hold your head up.
With my failed IUIs I would always pick myself up and try again. I've already said I never want to do IVF again. It is expensive and so stressful, emotionally and physically. And I can't deal with the thought of more frozen embryos waiting for a home - however temporary it may be. Though I held this embryo in my body for only a short time, I carried it in my heart for so much longer. The loss is devastating.

After I got pregnant with the twins I felt invincible against infertility. Like I couldn't be stopped again. I really thought this was going to work. We had so many answers to our prayers. It felt so right. I knew exactly how I was going to announce the pregnancy to everyone. I could imagine watching Boston and Lyla play while I held a newborn baby in my arms. I would think about our family of five. But the truth is, I still suffer from infertility. Before we started treatment I was terrified this wasn't going to work. Now I am terrified that because the transfer did not work that I won't be able to have more. I am terrified that I am done.

To those that have experienced miscarriages and still births...my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine your pain, your broken heart, your emptiness. I saw my embryo before it was carefully placed inside me. I have a picture of him or her. I don't know if it implanted or not. I'm almost sure I experienced implantation bleeding but it must have stopped developing after it implanted. I didn't experience a positive pregnancy test or hear a heartbeat and then lose the baby like so many have. I only know the pain and sorrow from knowing there was a precious living embryo inside me that didn't grow. To those that had a baby growing inside them but lost it, I am so sorry. I only know a fraction of your pain and it is some of the worst pain I've experienced.

I am mourning the loss of my embryo. The loss of the idea of a third child. The loss of a growing family. Of the defeat of infertility. And the despair of not knowing what to do next, that my call to motherhood begins and ends with Boston and Lyla. I don't want to be done, but I am so afraid I am.

Until I can pick myself up, that's all I have words to say.

The journey continues. Click here for Part 4.

Part 2: The Transfer

This is Part 2 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Part 3 will be published soon. Click here to read Part 1. 

Our frozen transfer is one week away. This treatment cycle has flown by! Last Monday I had my suppression check, which was an ultrasound and some blood work to confirm that I have no cysts and that I have low estradiol levels. I started taking baby aspirin to help blood flow to the uterus, and 3mg of estradiol three times a day. The main side effect from the estradiol that I can tell is bloat and a very small appetite. It's been so nice not having to give myself shots! The following Friday I had my SSG (saline sonogram). It really wasn't bad. They insert a catheter and fill your uterus will saline while doing a 3D ultrasound to make sure there are no uterine abnormalities. I felt like I kept peeing my pants for sometime after while remaining saline leaked out...awkward. Everything looked good, which was great!

We've been doing this completely privately again. The only ones aware of this transfer is our doctor, me, Chris, and God. I don't feel the need to tell friends and family only to have them come asking...honestly if I do get pregnant I plan on not telling anyone for as long as I can. I would wait to 20 weeks if I could. 

At the beginning of this treatment I would have bouts of doubt. All the questions would start to fill my mind. What do we do if this doesn't work? Will we ever have more kids? Why would God not want this to happen? Through many tearful prayers to my Father in Heaven I have seen this doubt fade away and be replaced with something much more powerful. My doubt has been replaced with faith. Not faith that I will get pregnant and that we'll all live happily ever after. Faith in God's will. That kind of faith is hard to obtain when we have our own desires in the way. I'm learning that if we truly desire and accept God's will, we will be okay with whatever the outcome. Yes I want to get pregnant. Yes I want this to work. Yes I hope that this is God's will. But if it's not I understand that He has some other plan for me. Everything will work out. I am comforted in that knowledge as I place full trust in Him. 

Fast forward one week to the transfer...

A few days before the transfer I had a routine ultrasound check, but was given that bad news that there was fluid in my uterus. If the fluid wasn't gone by transfer day they would not transfer our embryo. I was given some medication to help get rid of the fluid, but there was nothing else that could be done. A few days later was the big day! I had a difficult time sleeping the night before due to my anxiousness. Eventually the morning came and it was time to leave. We kissed the twins goodbye and left them in Grandma's care. Chris had asked her to watch the twins telling her that he took the day off work to pamper me and have a night alone at a hotel. I guess you could say that lounging around a hotel room all day was being "pampered" since that is what we did after the transfer.

Before we went into the clinic we each took a turn to pray. I remember writing that when we did IVF in 2014 that it was a spiritual experience for me, as if I was being watched over and carried through the entire stressful process. But this time...it's been like my eyes have opened to a whole new understanding of God. Of His love. Of faith. It has been a transformation in my life. If this transfer doesn't work I am at least so thankful for this unparalleled spiritual experienced I have witnessed in my life. Sitting in the car we prayed. We prayed that the fluid from my uterus would be gone without a trace. We prayed that our embryo would survive the thaw and that the transfer would be smoothly. We prayed for the nurses, doctors, and embryologists that have helped us in this journey.

As the ultrasound of my uterus began, I took a deep breath and held onto Chris's hand. I've had enough ultrasounds to have a good understanding of what I'm looking at. I didn't see anything. No dark spot in my uterus showing fluid. It was completely gone. Without a trace. Our first miracle for the day. With the good news, we were given the all clear to do the embryo transfer that day. I was also told to start drinking. Water that is! It helps straighten the uterus so the catheter containing our embryo will go in smoother.

It takes an hour for the embryo to thaw, so we left and walked around a nearby Hobby Lobby. Chris loves that place! We explored while I chugged a few bottles of water. When we returned we waited in a room to sign some consents and hear an update on the embryo. For a while I was pretty scared a nurse was going to walk in and say the embryo didn't survive. But...it did! Our second miracle for the day. They offered me valium for relaxation, which I almost turned down since I turned it down when we transferred the twins. I was afraid it was going to make me too loopy to know what was going on, but it didn't hit me until after we left. We got changed and went into the OR, met with the embryologist who gave us a picture of our embryo, and then my doctor came in and it was go time. It's a pretty simple procedure, but there is so much that needs to be done leading up to it. We could see on the ultrasound this teeny tiny little embryo placed up inside my uterus. Our third miracle for the day! The embryologist did what's called Assisted Hatching, where he made a small hole in the zona pellucida to help the embryo hatch out of its outer shell and help with implantation in the uterine wall. You can see the hole at about 3 o'clock of the picture below.

Isn't that amazing? Boston and Lyla's first picture looked like this. Such a tiny bunch of cells has so much potential. Can you believe that you once looked like this?

After the transfer I eventually conked out in the car from the valium. When I took valium for my HSG in 2013, I was a total nut case and obviously drugged. This time I just slept for a little while. We checked into our hotel room, and I relaxed and watched some funny shows. It was nice to get away and just focus on taking it easy and letting my body do its thing. I missed my babies so much though. After breakfast in the morning we when straight home to squeeze them.

Since transfer day it's been pretty surreal thinking of the embryo I have inside me, just always hoping that this may be our next child. While the twins nap I go sit on my bed and ponder about my family, the great blessings we've received, and the chance we've given this embryo. There is a constant prayer in my heart that everything will work out the way we have hoped and prayed. At this point I am what you call 3 weeks pregnant, until proven otherwise. That is because pregnancy is measured from the first day of your last period. By now, the embryo should have implanted and I am praying it has. I know there is a science to everything, but I also believe that God's hand can control that science. I believe that God can make anything possible. I know because of Him we had several miracles: the fluid was gone, the embryo survived the thaw, and the transfer was flawless. I know that if it is His will, He will bless us with a fourth miracle in this process...a baby.

Click here to read Part 3 

Part 1: Our Little Embryo

This is Part 1 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Click here to read Part 2. 

We have a frozen embryo. A beautiful "good +" blastocyst just waiting to be given a chance. When we froze it I never thought I would feel so attached.

Boston and Lyla were embryos (as everyone once was). We saw them. We have a picture. Just a bunch of cells that ended up turning into the greatest blessing we have ever received. Fully knowing an embryo's potential is what has made me so attached to the one frozen embryo we have. I am so thankful that we were able to save at least one. But I feel so bad...I feel so bad this embryo, this beginning of life, is stuck. Frozen in time. Waiting.

I truly feel a connection, like there is a perfect spirit waiting in heaven to be united with a body. A body that begins with an embryo. Our embryo.

Chris was the one that actually approached me about transferring our embryo. We want our kids to be close in age. We prayed and it just made sense. So we set up an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to get an idea of what a frozen embryo transfer would be like and how we need to start preparing. If Chris had his way, we would have started treatment the next day, but instead we chose a date two months later.

To be honest I'm terrified. Terrified that this embryo is our last chance. Terrified that it won't make it through the thaw. Terrified I won't get pregnant. Terrified that I won't have more children. But I know that hope is where comfort is found and hope is where miracles begin.

Fast forward one month later...

It's all happening again. The stress that comes with being infertile. The stress that comes with money and trying to work with insurance. The stress that comes with the medications. The stress of wondering if you'll have more kids. Am I being selfish? Is it selfish that I have two beautiful twins and I want more? Being a mom is everything to me. I love it.

Because I'm writing a more condensed version of this story, I'll just say we ran into a lot of problems with insurance. My fertility clinic was no longer covered and we had received no warning. With treatment already started, I was extremely stressed out. One option was to cancel the treatment, transport our embryo to a different fertility clinic that our insurance recognized and start over. I really didn't want to do that. A lot of tears were shed that day.

Long story short, we worked some things out, decided to continue my treatment and stay at my clinic. I'm so glad we were able to. Things always tend to work out, don't they?

         

Click here to read Part 2 

Happiness For My Father

Eight years ago today, my dad passed from this life. Those who know me well know what happened, but those that don't may be surprised to learn that my father took his own life. Despite the fact that he was a righteous man that filled his days by serving others, illness got the better of him. Both bodily sickness (the worse being Type 1 Diabetes) and mental illness (Chronic Depression) wore his body and spirit out. I never knew my dad without depression, but I'm eager to say he was always someone that impressed me with his integrity. I can't imagine the impression he could have had on me without the darkness that clouded his mental state. 

After he died I experienced extreme fears and anxieties that still affect me in different ways. But from the moment I learned of his passing I knew where he was: He was in heaven. Over the years I have experienced more and more comfort and understanding with death. I believe that heaven is so extraordinary, so beautiful, and filled with so much love and joy that it is by far more wonderful than anything that can be found or experienced on earth. I say heaven, but there's so much more to it then that. So much more I've learned through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what really happens beyond this life. I truly believe that death is a progression of one's spirit.

Some might wonder, would someone that kills himself really go to heaven? Why not? Why would someone that spent his life trying his best to serve God go anywhere else? I believe Christ's atonement goes beyond this earthly life, and I'm sure my dad has used Christ's atoning sacrifice to correct anything that may have been wrong in how he left this world. 

I love my dad. Life wasn't perfect with him, but I'm so grateful to have had him. I'm grateful that I know I will see him again in a purely joyful state. I'm happy for him. So happy for him. He had a hard life from being unwanted at a young impressionable age, to being plagued with many illnesses and diseases. Through his trials he still strived after knowledge and was the most diligent man I knew when it came to serving others and doing things honestly with the upmost moral principles. He had depression, but he was not depression. I feel blessed in knowing that he will never experience that darkness again, and that I get to meet the true him someday.

I was distressed that he chose to leave me, but I have since forgiven him. I hope my forgiveness has helped him is his progression, so that he may move on and focus on the work that needs to be done in heaven. That work includes preaching to those who have passed on that did not have the opportunity to learn of Christ's gospel or those that turned away from it. I firmly believe he is doing important work and that he is filled with God's love continually. I am happy for him. Happy for the way he strived to live the Gospel of Christ through his mortality. Happy that because of Christ, his wrongs my be corrected. Happy that my family is for eternity. 

How I long to be in that place of peace and love that he is in, but I know I need to live my life to the best of my ability. I long for the day where I can experience what my father is experiencing, to be embraced by loved ones who have passed on and to be completely enveloped in God's love.

I'm happy for you dad.
I love you.

To those who struggle with depression, this is a wonderful video: 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! I am so happy to be celebrating my first "real" Mother's Day as a mom to my twins. One year ago today, I announced that I was pregnant with them and now I get to cuddle them and reflect on everything I had to do to get Boston and Lyla here in my arms. 

But Mother's Day isn't all about celebrating yourself and all the work you have to do as a mom. It's about celebrating the wonderful women in your life. I looked up definitions of mother and I really like this one I found: "one who looks after kindly and protectively." I've been fortunate to have many wonderful women in my life that look after me. 

• She is one of the many women that have touched my life for good. Taught me, supported me, fought for me.
• She is my life-long family friend that would drop everything just to help me with my high school math homework.
• She is my best friend's mom that fed me, helped me, and treated me as her own.
• She is my childhood Sunday school teacher that still cares for me and follows my life.
• She is my friend. Whether an experienced mom, first time mom, soon to be mom, or someday mom.
• She is my grandma. The only one I got to meet and is now watching me from above. 
• She is my sister. The best aunt in the world because she treats her nephews and nieces just as lovingly as her own.
•  She is my birth mother, the best of them all because she sacrificed and continues to sacrifice everything for me and my family. She exceeds her calling as a mother by being the best grandma I could ever ask for to my children. It's no coincidence her name is Grace. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful women in my life. You don't have to bare a child to be a mom. If you have cared for another with unconditional love, celebrate this special day because you have a mother's heart. 

I love you mom!

Thoughts On Exclusively Pumping

First off, happy half-birthday to my cute little twins! Boston and Lyla are 6 months old! I can't believe they've blessed my life for already half a year! They LOVE bananas, Boston loves to roll around, and Lyla has become the binky thief!

Before I had the twins I planned on just nursing them. That's what you do when you have babies right? Just nurse. Just. Ha. While in the hospital I would try to nurse Lyla but she wouldn't nurse long enough and wasn't gaining enough weight. Boston was having a difficult time nursing too. I was told to pump for 10 minutes after each time I nursed but that usually got lost in the hustle and bustle of juggling two babies that were 3 floors apart. When we got discharged I was so overwhelmed with family being around wanting to hold them that I would just go in the other room to pump so they could be held instead of trying to nurse them. It was a downward spiral from the beginning between having two very sleepy and tiny babies that weren't interested in nursing and not understanding the discipline it took. So I became one of those exclusive pumpers. Yeah thats a thing. It's not widely known and there are not many resources on the topic. When my milk really started to come in I wasn't worried at all. Then a week later it seemed like my milk production was going down the drain. I spoke with a lactation consultant and she suggested a few tricks. Ever since then I take fenugreek every day, I eat oatmeal twice a day, drink Mother's Milk Tea, make lactation cookies (my favorite recipe is here), and try to drink lots of water. Ever since then it's been a battle to keep up enough supply to feed two babies. I set a goal to exclusively give the twins breast milk for 6 months, which meant a lot a lot a lot of pumping. Every now and then I would try to nurse them again, but it never really worked out. Plus can you imagine nursing two babies at once? It's hard!

Well, I made it to my goal. I have exclusively pumped for 6 months. I spend a minimum of 5 1/2 hours sitting and pumping a day. For me it takes a full hour to pump enough for 1 feeding for the twins. I'm not a pumping supermom, but I'm trying my hardest so my babies can eat what's best for them. People have judged me, others have applauded me, but the truth is I'm pretty exhausted. My pumping "schedule" (currently every 4 hours, except for at night) dictates what I can and can't do each day...where I can go, how long I can be out for. Part of me wants to quit since I reached my goal, and the other part of me thinks, "I've made it this far, what's six more months?" I know there are so many mothers out there that wish they could give their baby breast milk but are unable to. Since I am able to I feel like I should and that I need to keep going. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do moving forward. My mom nursed me for 2 years! There's no way I could ever make it that long, but I'm happy I made it to 6 months. If I can have more children I will definitely try again to nurse, but I don't think I will ever exclusively pump again. I have spent enough time with the constant sound of "ehh err ehh err". Exclusively pumping is hard. It takes a lot of planning ahead. I can't do things on the fly. I can't just go to the mall and whip out a boob when they're hungry. It's exhausting, time consuming, restricting, but I think I should be proud of myself for trying to do what's best for my little ones.

If you have any questions about exclusively pumping feel free to contact me!

Our Favorite Bedtime Songs

We finally have a good little routine going at bedtime! The babies go down at 9pm each night. First I change their diapers and tuck them into their zipadee-zips (it totally makes them look like they have penguin wings. It's hilarious), then I put them down in their crib and give them their bottles while I sing along to our favorite bedtime songs. Eventually I leave the room and let the songs play on repeat until they fall asleep. I think it would be cool to eventually record me singing these songs, but I cannot find the instrumental versions nor do I have a few hours of complete silence. Either way, I hope these are songs they will treasure forever!

Golden Slumbers sung by Mindy Gledhill

I used to be obsessed with The Beatles so I love this song and I especially love Mindy Gledhill's version of it. 

Child of Light - Mindy Gledhill



More Than the World - Mindy Gledhill
Okay...I really like Mindy's voice and how calming it is. Nice and peaceful to fall asleep to!

Dream - Priscilla Ahn



You'll Be In My Heart - Celtic Woman
I would sing this song to Boston and Lyla just after they were born. My hormones were crazy and I would just bawl my eyes out singing it to them. Love this version.


Sometimes I read to them too if they're not acting sleepy or I'll sing primary songs like "I Am a Child of God" and "A Child's Prayer". Such precious moments!

A Very Very Overdue Update

I have started this post like four different times, but never finished.

The first time was back in January:
I have the whole world right here beside me. Everyone is asleep but I'm staying up to pump. I've got my husband's hand in mine and two precious babies snuggled up next to me. Tonight I was going to start transitioning them to their crib in their own room, but when it came time to go to bed I couldn't do it. I love sharing my bed with them. Go ahead and judge me, but I love cosleeping. I love waking up to their smiles, cuddling them, freeing them from their swaddle wraps in the morning and seeing their little arms and legs stretch about. (Lyla loves her wrap. She gets all giddy when we put her in it at night!) I still want to start training them to sleep on their own in their crib, especially since now is the time to end habits you don't want to continue for the next several months, but I just need a few more nights with my little babies. Gosh they grow up so fast. I love it and can't stand it at the same time. It's amazing to see them grow and develop, but sometimes I want to go back to holding my little 5lb babies.

Obviously I haven't blogged in awhile. The twins are now 3 months old! I have been enjoying this precious time, but I've missed making updates on the twins. This blog is basically my journal, so if I'm not blogging I'm not writing things down about my babies. So it's my goal to get back in the swing of things and to keep blogging on here! I think the mess with the plagiarizer is done. I don't think it will happen again and I've been taking more precautionary measures.

Now fast forward to February:
The other night Chris wasn't feeling well so he went to bed really early. The babies and I aren't used to going to bed at that time so we just hung out. It got to a point where I didn't want to wake Chris up so I thought I'd try having the babies sleep in the crib in their own room. Well guess what?! They slept through the entire night in their CRIB! Ahhh! I slept in the room with them just in case but they never even stirred. Gosh I adore them. They have been sleeping through the night since about 2 and 1/2 months, but I didn't think they would on the first night in their crib. Last night they slept in their crib without me in the room. I was actually super happy to go to bed. Our room was "our" room again! I still miss snuggling with them, but this is for the best. I am so thankful for these cuties. I'm sure it helps them to have their brother/sister snuggled right by their side.

Skip a couple days:
I am SO tired! The first two nights with the babies in their crib went flawlessly. And then it became miserable. Boston and Lyla realized what was going on and didn't want any of it. They cry all night and make me one very exhausted mama. They are coming back into our room just for my sanity and much needed sleep.

A little bit later in February:
Boston giggled for me today! It was such an amazing moment. Talk about mama pride. And Lyla has been "talking" a bunch. She can get hot tamale mad very quickly, but she sure is cute. We were saying family prayer the other night and she was just making the most adorable little noises....I guess she likes to pray! There has been so much joy in my life since having these two. I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I'm so happy I finally have my dream job.

And now to present time (March):
Well, the twins are officially in their own room for good. I'm not giving in this time! Some nights are great, others not so much. It takes 30 days to form a habit right?

Boston and Lyla are doing splendid. They are starting to play with toys and interact more and more each day. At their 4 month doctor's appointment a few weeks ago Boston weighed 11lbs 12oz and was 24in long. He's only in the 10th percentile for his weight so I need to beef him up! Lyla weighed 11lbs 7oz and was just over 23in long. She was in the 15th percentile for weight. They both took their shots like champs. Even though they're still small, they are getting so big.

Anyway, I wanted to do a quick update of the last couple months before hopefully getting back in the habit of regular posts. What sort of things do you want to read about? I'm trying to find my voice again after not blogging in months. I've just been busy...you know, being a mom!


And here are some Valentine's Day pictures I took!