Eight years ago today, my dad passed from this life. Those who know me well know what happened, but those that don't may be surprised to learn that my father took his own life. Despite the fact that he was a righteous man that filled his days by serving others, illness got the better of him. Both bodily sickness (the worse being Type 1 Diabetes) and mental illness (Chronic Depression) wore his body and spirit out. I never knew my dad without depression, but I'm eager to say he was always someone that impressed me with his integrity. I can't imagine the impression he could have had on me without the darkness that clouded his mental state.
After he died I experienced extreme fears and anxieties that still affect me in different ways. But from the moment I learned of his passing I knew where he was: He was in heaven. Over the years I have experienced more and more comfort and understanding with death. I believe that heaven is so extraordinary, so beautiful, and filled with so much love and joy that it is by far more wonderful than anything that can be found or experienced on earth. I say heaven, but there's so much more to it then that. So much more I've learned through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what really happens beyond this life. I truly believe that death is a progression of one's spirit.
Some might wonder, would someone that kills himself really go to heaven? Why not? Why would someone that spent his life trying his best to serve God go anywhere else? I believe Christ's atonement goes beyond this earthly life, and I'm sure my dad has used Christ's atoning sacrifice to correct anything that may have been wrong in how he left this world.
I love my dad. Life wasn't perfect with him, but I'm so grateful to have had him. I'm grateful that I know I will see him again in a purely joyful state. I'm happy for him. So happy for him. He had a hard life from being unwanted at a young impressionable age, to being plagued with many illnesses and diseases. Through his trials he still strived after knowledge and was the most diligent man I knew when it came to serving others and doing things honestly with the upmost moral principles. He had depression, but he was not depression. I feel blessed in knowing that he will never experience that darkness again, and that I get to meet the true him someday.
I was distressed that he chose to leave me, but I have since forgiven him. I hope my forgiveness has helped him is his progression, so that he may move on and focus on the work that needs to be done in heaven. That work includes preaching to those who have passed on that did not have the opportunity to learn of Christ's gospel or those that turned away from it. I firmly believe he is doing important work and that he is filled with God's love continually. I am happy for him. Happy for the way he strived to live the Gospel of Christ through his mortality. Happy that because of Christ, his wrongs my be corrected. Happy that my family is for eternity.
How I long to be in that place of peace and love that he is in, but I know I need to live my life to the best of my ability. I long for the day where I can experience what my father is experiencing, to be embraced by loved ones who have passed on and to be completely enveloped in God's love.
I'm happy for you dad.
I love you.
I'm happy for you dad.
I love you.
To those who struggle with depression, this is a wonderful video:
I spent the last 5 months around your dad. I asked him to assist me with a car fuel project. We spent many, many, many hours talking about life, kids, our wives and trials. He is a great man. His thought, actions and deeds are in alignment with Jesus Christ. He is a God fearing man and deeply loves his children. We discussed personal trials both in our relationships and his physical challenges. I miss your father. We became friends fast. He confided in me and I will keep that close and confidential. I know he was in a good place but felt stuck and tired. He felt he had run a good race here on earth. Please know he spoke reverently about his children. The most important things in his life. I wish he were still here too. Eric
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Rachel. I have known you since you were born and your mom and I often talked about our husbands' depression and how hard it was to see them in such pain. I am sorry you have to live without him but life is shorter than eternity and you will see him again.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Penny Soutar
Beautiful...and best of all--true.
ReplyDeletel am sure for 6 horrible years your dad put up with me during our school years. Because he was Chumley and l was Diaz we sat next to each other in school all of those years. To me Mike was the perfect LDS man l never knew him to do anything wrong or even swear. l was shocked and sadden by his death till l knew how he passed away. I was then l realized why and know he fought a valiant battle. l used to say to him "Chumley my hero" and you always will be my Friend ......miss you Chum Bum
ReplyDeleteOne of the best and most decent men I've ever known, and the best of friends. You are missed, Mike.
ReplyDelete