Tuesday, January 14, 2014


On Saturday I had my follicular ultrasound after taking three 150 unit rounds of injections. We saw my right ovary with some small follicles that didn't stand out. It didn't make any sense. Then we moved to my left ovary and there was nothing. It was cloudy and unclear. My doctor asked if I had a history of endometriosis. I replied no, but I was terrified that it could be. It's a disorder where cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, like the ovaries. She took some pictures of the ovary, said she wanted another doctor's opinion, and sent me home. Usually at this point I should have at least one follicle greater than 16mm and should plan on taking the trigger shot. A few hours later she called me back explaining that what we saw was most likely the corpus luteum which meant I already ovulated and we missed it. I went in for a progesterone blood test which confirmed that I did in fact ovulate somewhere between cycle day 10 or 11, which is too soon and unusual for me. So my cycle was cancelled and I didn't take my HCG trigger shot or get an IUI. If our timing was right there could be a slim chance the egg could be fertilized, but I am so exhausted of having so much hope and then for it to have gone to waste.  

Each day is harder and the desire gets that much stronger. So much to the point that it consumes me and it is hard for me to focus on other things that are important too. I'm stuck between covering up my feelings so I have the outward appearance that I am perfectly fine and the feeling of losing it at any moment. I've had to be strong before when I lost my dad to suicide, so I know I can be strong again. The only thing is...this battle with infertility has been harder for me to go through, but no one knows it because I try to hide it.
I've tried to draw even closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience. I battle the deep emotions of "Why?" every single day, but I know that is what Satan wants me to ask. I get through this by fasting, having intimate prayer with my Heavenly Father and scripture study every morning. The more I do it the more comfort I receive. 

I can testify that through hard times and trials we are not alone. God loves all his children here on earth. He gives us trials because we are here on earth to be tested. Tested to see if we endure or give up. Tested to see if we will call upon him for help or tested to see if we walk away from him. I believe there is a reason for everything and with his help I can overcome hard things. 

I know that my Savior, who has atoned for us, truly knows our pain and can heal and comfort us. He can keep the pain away. Christ can make us whole, even emotionally. Because of his Atonement, Christ knows the sorrows of my heart. He has felt my pain. He is the only one who knows how to completely comfort me. He will dry my tears and can make my most cherished purpose possible.

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