Part 2: The Transfer

This is Part 2 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Part 3 will be published soon. Click here to read Part 1. 

Our frozen transfer is one week away. This treatment cycle has flown by! Last Monday I had my suppression check, which was an ultrasound and some blood work to confirm that I have no cysts and that I have low estradiol levels. I started taking baby aspirin to help blood flow to the uterus, and 3mg of estradiol three times a day. The main side effect from the estradiol that I can tell is bloat and a very small appetite. It's been so nice not having to give myself shots! The following Friday I had my SSG (saline sonogram). It really wasn't bad. They insert a catheter and fill your uterus will saline while doing a 3D ultrasound to make sure there are no uterine abnormalities. I felt like I kept peeing my pants for sometime after while remaining saline leaked out...awkward. Everything looked good, which was great!

We've been doing this completely privately again. The only ones aware of this transfer is our doctor, me, Chris, and God. I don't feel the need to tell friends and family only to have them come asking...honestly if I do get pregnant I plan on not telling anyone for as long as I can. I would wait to 20 weeks if I could. 

At the beginning of this treatment I would have bouts of doubt. All the questions would start to fill my mind. What do we do if this doesn't work? Will we ever have more kids? Why would God not want this to happen? Through many tearful prayers to my Father in Heaven I have seen this doubt fade away and be replaced with something much more powerful. My doubt has been replaced with faith. Not faith that I will get pregnant and that we'll all live happily ever after. Faith in God's will. That kind of faith is hard to obtain when we have our own desires in the way. I'm learning that if we truly desire and accept God's will, we will be okay with whatever the outcome. Yes I want to get pregnant. Yes I want this to work. Yes I hope that this is God's will. But if it's not I understand that He has some other plan for me. Everything will work out. I am comforted in that knowledge as I place full trust in Him. 

Fast forward one week to the transfer...

A few days before the transfer I had a routine ultrasound check, but was given that bad news that there was fluid in my uterus. If the fluid wasn't gone by transfer day they would not transfer our embryo. I was given some medication to help get rid of the fluid, but there was nothing else that could be done. A few days later was the big day! I had a difficult time sleeping the night before due to my anxiousness. Eventually the morning came and it was time to leave. We kissed the twins goodbye and left them in Grandma's care. Chris had asked her to watch the twins telling her that he took the day off work to pamper me and have a night alone at a hotel. I guess you could say that lounging around a hotel room all day was being "pampered" since that is what we did after the transfer.

Before we went into the clinic we each took a turn to pray. I remember writing that when we did IVF in 2014 that it was a spiritual experience for me, as if I was being watched over and carried through the entire stressful process. But this time...it's been like my eyes have opened to a whole new understanding of God. Of His love. Of faith. It has been a transformation in my life. If this transfer doesn't work I am at least so thankful for this unparalleled spiritual experienced I have witnessed in my life. Sitting in the car we prayed. We prayed that the fluid from my uterus would be gone without a trace. We prayed that our embryo would survive the thaw and that the transfer would be smoothly. We prayed for the nurses, doctors, and embryologists that have helped us in this journey.

As the ultrasound of my uterus began, I took a deep breath and held onto Chris's hand. I've had enough ultrasounds to have a good understanding of what I'm looking at. I didn't see anything. No dark spot in my uterus showing fluid. It was completely gone. Without a trace. Our first miracle for the day. With the good news, we were given the all clear to do the embryo transfer that day. I was also told to start drinking. Water that is! It helps straighten the uterus so the catheter containing our embryo will go in smoother.

It takes an hour for the embryo to thaw, so we left and walked around a nearby Hobby Lobby. Chris loves that place! We explored while I chugged a few bottles of water. When we returned we waited in a room to sign some consents and hear an update on the embryo. For a while I was pretty scared a nurse was going to walk in and say the embryo didn't survive. But...it did! Our second miracle for the day. They offered me valium for relaxation, which I almost turned down since I turned it down when we transferred the twins. I was afraid it was going to make me too loopy to know what was going on, but it didn't hit me until after we left. We got changed and went into the OR, met with the embryologist who gave us a picture of our embryo, and then my doctor came in and it was go time. It's a pretty simple procedure, but there is so much that needs to be done leading up to it. We could see on the ultrasound this teeny tiny little embryo placed up inside my uterus. Our third miracle for the day! The embryologist did what's called Assisted Hatching, where he made a small hole in the zona pellucida to help the embryo hatch out of its outer shell and help with implantation in the uterine wall. You can see the hole at about 3 o'clock of the picture below.

Isn't that amazing? Boston and Lyla's first picture looked like this. Such a tiny bunch of cells has so much potential. Can you believe that you once looked like this?

After the transfer I eventually conked out in the car from the valium. When I took valium for my HSG in 2013, I was a total nut case and obviously drugged. This time I just slept for a little while. We checked into our hotel room, and I relaxed and watched some funny shows. It was nice to get away and just focus on taking it easy and letting my body do its thing. I missed my babies so much though. After breakfast in the morning we when straight home to squeeze them.

Since transfer day it's been pretty surreal thinking of the embryo I have inside me, just always hoping that this may be our next child. While the twins nap I go sit on my bed and ponder about my family, the great blessings we've received, and the chance we've given this embryo. There is a constant prayer in my heart that everything will work out the way we have hoped and prayed. At this point I am what you call 3 weeks pregnant, until proven otherwise. That is because pregnancy is measured from the first day of your last period. By now, the embryo should have implanted and I am praying it has. I know there is a science to everything, but I also believe that God's hand can control that science. I believe that God can make anything possible. I know because of Him we had several miracles: the fluid was gone, the embryo survived the thaw, and the transfer was flawless. I know that if it is His will, He will bless us with a fourth miracle in this process...a baby.

Click here to read Part 3 

Part 1: Our Little Embryo

This is Part 1 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Click here to read Part 2. 

We have a frozen embryo. A beautiful "good +" blastocyst just waiting to be given a chance. When we froze it I never thought I would feel so attached.

Boston and Lyla were embryos (as everyone once was). We saw them. We have a picture. Just a bunch of cells that ended up turning into the greatest blessing we have ever received. Fully knowing an embryo's potential is what has made me so attached to the one frozen embryo we have. I am so thankful that we were able to save at least one. But I feel so bad...I feel so bad this embryo, this beginning of life, is stuck. Frozen in time. Waiting.

I truly feel a connection, like there is a perfect spirit waiting in heaven to be united with a body. A body that begins with an embryo. Our embryo.

Chris was the one that actually approached me about transferring our embryo. We want our kids to be close in age. We prayed and it just made sense. So we set up an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to get an idea of what a frozen embryo transfer would be like and how we need to start preparing. If Chris had his way, we would have started treatment the next day, but instead we chose a date two months later.

To be honest I'm terrified. Terrified that this embryo is our last chance. Terrified that it won't make it through the thaw. Terrified I won't get pregnant. Terrified that I won't have more children. But I know that hope is where comfort is found and hope is where miracles begin.

Fast forward one month later...

It's all happening again. The stress that comes with being infertile. The stress that comes with money and trying to work with insurance. The stress that comes with the medications. The stress of wondering if you'll have more kids. Am I being selfish? Is it selfish that I have two beautiful twins and I want more? Being a mom is everything to me. I love it.

Because I'm writing a more condensed version of this story, I'll just say we ran into a lot of problems with insurance. My fertility clinic was no longer covered and we had received no warning. With treatment already started, I was extremely stressed out. One option was to cancel the treatment, transport our embryo to a different fertility clinic that our insurance recognized and start over. I really didn't want to do that. A lot of tears were shed that day.

Long story short, we worked some things out, decided to continue my treatment and stay at my clinic. I'm so glad we were able to. Things always tend to work out, don't they?

         

Click here to read Part 2 

Happiness For My Father

Eight years ago today, my dad passed from this life. Those who know me well know what happened, but those that don't may be surprised to learn that my father took his own life. Despite the fact that he was a righteous man that filled his days by serving others, illness got the better of him. Both bodily sickness (the worse being Type 1 Diabetes) and mental illness (Chronic Depression) wore his body and spirit out. I never knew my dad without depression, but I'm eager to say he was always someone that impressed me with his integrity. I can't imagine the impression he could have had on me without the darkness that clouded his mental state. 

After he died I experienced extreme fears and anxieties that still affect me in different ways. But from the moment I learned of his passing I knew where he was: He was in heaven. Over the years I have experienced more and more comfort and understanding with death. I believe that heaven is so extraordinary, so beautiful, and filled with so much love and joy that it is by far more wonderful than anything that can be found or experienced on earth. I say heaven, but there's so much more to it then that. So much more I've learned through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what really happens beyond this life. I truly believe that death is a progression of one's spirit.

Some might wonder, would someone that kills himself really go to heaven? Why not? Why would someone that spent his life trying his best to serve God go anywhere else? I believe Christ's atonement goes beyond this earthly life, and I'm sure my dad has used Christ's atoning sacrifice to correct anything that may have been wrong in how he left this world. 

I love my dad. Life wasn't perfect with him, but I'm so grateful to have had him. I'm grateful that I know I will see him again in a purely joyful state. I'm happy for him. So happy for him. He had a hard life from being unwanted at a young impressionable age, to being plagued with many illnesses and diseases. Through his trials he still strived after knowledge and was the most diligent man I knew when it came to serving others and doing things honestly with the upmost moral principles. He had depression, but he was not depression. I feel blessed in knowing that he will never experience that darkness again, and that I get to meet the true him someday.

I was distressed that he chose to leave me, but I have since forgiven him. I hope my forgiveness has helped him is his progression, so that he may move on and focus on the work that needs to be done in heaven. That work includes preaching to those who have passed on that did not have the opportunity to learn of Christ's gospel or those that turned away from it. I firmly believe he is doing important work and that he is filled with God's love continually. I am happy for him. Happy for the way he strived to live the Gospel of Christ through his mortality. Happy that because of Christ, his wrongs my be corrected. Happy that my family is for eternity. 

How I long to be in that place of peace and love that he is in, but I know I need to live my life to the best of my ability. I long for the day where I can experience what my father is experiencing, to be embraced by loved ones who have passed on and to be completely enveloped in God's love.

I'm happy for you dad.
I love you.

To those who struggle with depression, this is a wonderful video: 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! I am so happy to be celebrating my first "real" Mother's Day as a mom to my twins. One year ago today, I announced that I was pregnant with them and now I get to cuddle them and reflect on everything I had to do to get Boston and Lyla here in my arms. 

But Mother's Day isn't all about celebrating yourself and all the work you have to do as a mom. It's about celebrating the wonderful women in your life. I looked up definitions of mother and I really like this one I found: "one who looks after kindly and protectively." I've been fortunate to have many wonderful women in my life that look after me. 

• She is one of the many women that have touched my life for good. Taught me, supported me, fought for me.
• She is my life-long family friend that would drop everything just to help me with my high school math homework.
• She is my best friend's mom that fed me, helped me, and treated me as her own.
• She is my childhood Sunday school teacher that still cares for me and follows my life.
• She is my friend. Whether an experienced mom, first time mom, soon to be mom, or someday mom.
• She is my grandma. The only one I got to meet and is now watching me from above. 
• She is my sister. The best aunt in the world because she treats her nephews and nieces just as lovingly as her own.
•  She is my birth mother, the best of them all because she sacrificed and continues to sacrifice everything for me and my family. She exceeds her calling as a mother by being the best grandma I could ever ask for to my children. It's no coincidence her name is Grace. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful women in my life. You don't have to bare a child to be a mom. If you have cared for another with unconditional love, celebrate this special day because you have a mother's heart. 

I love you mom!

Thoughts On Exclusively Pumping

First off, happy half-birthday to my cute little twins! Boston and Lyla are 6 months old! I can't believe they've blessed my life for already half a year! They LOVE bananas, Boston loves to roll around, and Lyla has become the binky thief!

Before I had the twins I planned on just nursing them. That's what you do when you have babies right? Just nurse. Just. Ha. While in the hospital I would try to nurse Lyla but she wouldn't nurse long enough and wasn't gaining enough weight. Boston was having a difficult time nursing too. I was told to pump for 10 minutes after each time I nursed but that usually got lost in the hustle and bustle of juggling two babies that were 3 floors apart. When we got discharged I was so overwhelmed with family being around wanting to hold them that I would just go in the other room to pump so they could be held instead of trying to nurse them. It was a downward spiral from the beginning between having two very sleepy and tiny babies that weren't interested in nursing and not understanding the discipline it took. So I became one of those exclusive pumpers. Yeah thats a thing. It's not widely known and there are not many resources on the topic. When my milk really started to come in I wasn't worried at all. Then a week later it seemed like my milk production was going down the drain. I spoke with a lactation consultant and she suggested a few tricks. Ever since then I take fenugreek every day, I eat oatmeal twice a day, drink Mother's Milk Tea, make lactation cookies (my favorite recipe is here), and try to drink lots of water. Ever since then it's been a battle to keep up enough supply to feed two babies. I set a goal to exclusively give the twins breast milk for 6 months, which meant a lot a lot a lot of pumping. Every now and then I would try to nurse them again, but it never really worked out. Plus can you imagine nursing two babies at once? It's hard!

Well, I made it to my goal. I have exclusively pumped for 6 months. I spend a minimum of 5 1/2 hours sitting and pumping a day. For me it takes a full hour to pump enough for 1 feeding for the twins. I'm not a pumping supermom, but I'm trying my hardest so my babies can eat what's best for them. People have judged me, others have applauded me, but the truth is I'm pretty exhausted. My pumping "schedule" (currently every 4 hours, except for at night) dictates what I can and can't do each day...where I can go, how long I can be out for. Part of me wants to quit since I reached my goal, and the other part of me thinks, "I've made it this far, what's six more months?" I know there are so many mothers out there that wish they could give their baby breast milk but are unable to. Since I am able to I feel like I should and that I need to keep going. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do moving forward. My mom nursed me for 2 years! There's no way I could ever make it that long, but I'm happy I made it to 6 months. If I can have more children I will definitely try again to nurse, but I don't think I will ever exclusively pump again. I have spent enough time with the constant sound of "ehh err ehh err". Exclusively pumping is hard. It takes a lot of planning ahead. I can't do things on the fly. I can't just go to the mall and whip out a boob when they're hungry. It's exhausting, time consuming, restricting, but I think I should be proud of myself for trying to do what's best for my little ones.

If you have any questions about exclusively pumping feel free to contact me!