Chris's Reaction to the Amazingly Great and Wonderful Surprise News!

I thought it would be fun to have Chris type out his reaction to the positive pregnancy tests I gave him, especially since it was hard to read what was going through his head. This post is all from him!

It's Thursday evening and I'm excited to be home. I'm always excited to come home. My kids are especially playful and momma has a smile on her face so I'm on cloud 9. We're all downstairs playing and having a great time. There's extra levity in the air and it's turning into a memory I would remember regardless of the bombshell or not... but oh was there a bombshell.

Babe gets my attention and says she has something for me and pulls out a wrapped box. It's not my birthday, Christmas, anniversary (yes I remember our anniversary), nor any other occasion I can remember and we aren't really the couple that surprise each other with gifts, so obviously I'm curious. (Rach has a video of this but she won't show it because of something I say right when I open it, which is a funny anecdote.) To paint the scene we're in our bedroom downstairs, I've just tickled the twins like crazy and jumped around the bed making a mess of the bedding but it's all in good fun. We're catching our breath and momma hands me the gift. I'm surprised and intrigued but can't really remember what I thought it might have been, but I can say that I wasn't expecting what it actually was.

I unwrap the gift and see a thermometer, well what I thought was one at first (and I think I touched it before realizing what it was) but only a second or two later I realize what it really is. I quickly look up at Rachel (without reading the result) and now I immediately think she's got to be pregnant otherwise she wouldn't show me this. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can do deductive reasoning! I look back down and see that it's positive. I'm happy, I'm surprised, I'm ecstatic, I'm every positive emotion for like 3 seconds until the doubt sets in...But we didn't do IVF, and the last time we did it didn't work. I got my hopes up before and I wanted to keep myself in check before I'd let myself get them up again, which to be honest is a little sad, well it's very sad because I'm purposefully repressing hope to shield myself from the pain again. The pain I felt back in November when what I really wanted, and what I really thought was going to happen...suddenly didn't.

So I process she's pregnant, I'm hopeful, but then I put my guard up. "How? Are you sure?" She shrugs her shoulders with a smile, "I think so". Neither of us believe the third positive pregnancy test I made her take. Both of us remember the repressed pain and try to repress it further by putting our guard up and letting doubt win. To my recollection we celebrated but it was a hesitant celebration, like we kind of let ourselves believe it might kind of sort of be possible and how great and amazing that would be, but we didn't really believe it at the same time. We got to talk a lot on a drive up to Idaho for a friend's wedding that weekend, but we mostly didn't bring it up. Even at the wedding when Rachel had an upset stomach we both thought it was because she ate too fast. Neither of us felt we could blame it on a miraculous parasite. 

Flash forward to the following Monday morning at the doctor's office, with the nurse walking into a hilarious scene. You could cut whatever weird mix of emotion was in the air with a knife. I still remember the thought in my head when the nurse congratulated us for being pregnant on our third, "Shut up with your congratulations until we see a blood test or ultrasound or concrete evidence." And what was weirder was neither of us really said anything, needless to say it was awkward. Which we have since cleared up with that same nurse. I couldn't believe it and my guard was up fully. I was ready to hear the tests were a mistake, multiple false positives, that Rach had a funky pee probably from asparagus. It messes with the smell and color so maybe it could do this. I didn't really let myself have the hope. It was too much pain last November and the subsequent months that followed. I had buried that hope for now, buried it good and deep.

Then the moment. I saw it. The doctor said it. Rachel saw it, said it, and confirmed it. But still I took a minute before I let my guard down, before I believed it. Even though they'd both said it I had to dig that hole open and let the hope run wild. But when it did... oh boy was it fast and overwhelming. I still feel like I asked at least 5 times in 5 different ways if the doctor was sure. When I pray for the twins I thank God for our two little miracles and this feels like it eclipses miracles. 

Those 3 seconds of joy and happiness I felt on Thursday was all I could feel now. Once I let my guard down it was down. I let myself believe. I opened myself up, I remembered the pain vividly from when it didn't work but it seemed to be erased little by little. The more I let myself believe the more that pain didn't matter anymore. It hurt like the dickens but now it didn't, now it doesn't.

I'm so very happy for this baby. Everyday I thank God for our new miracle, for "new baby" (we don't know the gender and I feel weird calling him or her 'it'). I was still skeptical, and I asked repeatedly what the odds of losing the baby could be, to what percentile confidence was the doctor? How many standard deviations? I needed the reassurance, I needed to know. The hurt was that deep, but by now my doubts are gone. This baby is coming and I'm so excited. Sometimes I even feel sorry for Boston and Lyla because I think they love my attention but this baby is going to get a lot of cuddles because I'm full of over a year of wishing I could have them. So ready or not New Baby, Daddy is bringing the cuddles!

I'm Pregnant?!!

How did I find out I was pregnant, especially since I wasn't expecting it?

I have to thank our local McDonald's for that. Every time I saw that McDonald's I had to fight every fiber of my being not to go and order a greasy double cheeseburger. For someone who doesn't eat fast food, this was very unusual. I guess I should mention that I had been feeling "off" as well due to extreme lightheadedness and some nausea.

I was concerned there was something wrong with me, but I also knew that what I was feeling could be signs of pregnancy even though it would pretty much be impossible. So the morning of October 6th, I took a cheap little .88 cent pregnancy test just to excuse that very unlikely possibility. When I looked at the pregnancy test there were two very clear lines. A quick review of the instructions confirmed that two lines meant positive. My pregnancy test was positive.

Even with a positive pregnancy test in my hands I didn't believe it. I immediately googled all the possible reasons for a false positive. Nothing I could find really explained it so I just chalked it up to being a cheap little test. However, I was feeling weird and I had been having the most ridiculous vivid dreams...

Two hours later I found myself in Walmart looking at a shelf of pregnancy tests, but this time I was looking at the fancy expensive ones. I had no idea what I was doing so I grabbed one that had 2 tests and had a $2 off coupon attached to it. (Score!) I also bought the twins plastic pumpkins to hold their Halloween candy in because it's impossible to go to Walmart without picking up something you weren't planning on buying, am I right?

I got home, fed the twins lunch, and peed in a cup.

I think the video below pretty much explains what happened. It's embarrassing and my voice is annoying, but this is real life people!

What?
What?
What?

I'm pregnant!

No hours and hours of doctors appointments, no needles and medications, no ultrasounds to check on my follicles, no daily blood draws, no stressful bills, no ovaries the size of tennis balls. Nope. Just a beautiful miracle from God.

I couldn't wait to tell Chris, so when he got home from work I gave him a gift box with my two positive tests inside. I was still in utter disbelief, clinging onto a small bit of hope that this was really happening when I gave him the box. We were both so shocked, he made me take another pregnancy test. (Spoiler alert: it was another positive!) I actually asked him to type out his reaction so I could share it here on my blog, but it's so long that I'm going to make it my next post. He's an overachiever :)

I'm pregnant!!!

*Special thank you to McDonalds and Clearblue ;)

Part 3: The Results

This is Part 3 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby.

Part 4 will be published soon. Click the links to read Part 1 and Part 2. 

Fear and Faith

Monday morning, three days after my transfer, I woke up to find that I was spotting.

My heart sank. I was so scared.

I immediately prayed. As I was getting the twins up, I didn't know what to think. I almost felt like I was in shock and was putting that energy into doing all sorts of random chores. It wasn't bad, but of course I was really worried about what it meant. I had heard of implantation bleeding before, but fear of the worst came over me. I prayed, Chris prayed, and for a while it stopped and then started again. Part of me was saying that this was it, "game over." The other part of me was hoping that maybe this was a sign that this would work, that our little embryo implanted and I was experiencing implantation bleeding. I never bled when I got pregnant with the twins, but apparently it does occur in about 1 in 3 pregnancies. My nurse at the fertility clinic said it was probably just implantation bleeding and that I should take it easy.

There were many things pointing to this being a great sign, but I was still so scared. I stopped bleeding two days later, but late that night my mind wouldn't stop trying to figure out what all this meant. I prayed for peace and comfort until I was asleep. When I woke up the next morning I felt different. I was happy and hopeful again. And when I was alone, I didn't feel alone. Throughout this entire transfer process, every time I have sought after the Lord in faith I have felt His comfort and my fears were cast away.

The Results

One week later I had my blood test to see if I was pregnant. Fortunately Chris got to be with me and we spent the rest of the day together as a family. I hadn't decided how I wanted to receive the news, so I just left my phone in the other room. I ended up missing the call with the blood results at about 3:00pm. I checked my phone shortly after and noticed I had a voicemail from the clinic. I started to tremble a bit because I was so nervous. Chris and I decided to go for a drive and listen to the voicemail together. We ended up at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. The air felt heavy as Chris pressed play. I'll add that before our drive began I had feelings of rejoicing, feelings of love. I didn't know what it meant but I embraced it. The moment the message started to playback I knew.

The only word I can remember is "Negative".

I wasn't pregnant.

It felt like a minute passed before I could breathe. Then came the sobs for what felt like hours. It was one of the most painful cries I have experienced. I was crushed. In situations like this it is so common to start asking God, "Why?" But this time was different. Even though my heart was so heavy, so broken, I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked Him for the opportunity, thanked Him that I had a chance to give this embryo a home even though it was much too short. I thanked Him for Boston and Lyla. I pleaded with Him asking what I'm supposed to learn from this and what I'm supposed to do next. I then remembered what Chris had said in a blessing he gave me a couple weeks prior. In the blessing I was told to keep my head up. So that's what I did. With tears streaming down my face I held my head up and tried to focus on what I needed to do for my family, but I was unable to speak for 4 long hours.

At one point when the twins woke up from their nap I went in to get them, but the moment I saw them it just set me off. I fell to my knees in tears. I am so thankful for them. So thankful for their perfect little bodies and the chance I have to be their mother. With my hands on their cribs, Boston reached out and rested his hand on top of mine and Lyla gave me a smile. They are such precious gifts.

I feel so bad that Chris married a woman that has a hard time conceiving, even when all the conditions are almost perfectly controlled. He came to me wanting to add to our family. He wanted this so much. I wanted it too. You never know how much you want - no, need - something until you can't have it.

I'm fighting that urge. That horrible urge to give up. To sleep all day and not eat. My body wants to but my spirit is saying don't give up. Take care of your family. Hold your head up.
With my failed IUIs I would always pick myself up and try again. I've already said I never want to do IVF again. It is expensive and so stressful, emotionally and physically. And I can't deal with the thought of more frozen embryos waiting for a home - however temporary it may be. Though I held this embryo in my body for only a short time, I carried it in my heart for so much longer. The loss is devastating.

After I got pregnant with the twins I felt invincible against infertility. Like I couldn't be stopped again. I really thought this was going to work. We had so many answers to our prayers. It felt so right. I knew exactly how I was going to announce the pregnancy to everyone. I could imagine watching Boston and Lyla play while I held a newborn baby in my arms. I would think about our family of five. But the truth is, I still suffer from infertility. Before we started treatment I was terrified this wasn't going to work. Now I am terrified that because the transfer did not work that I won't be able to have more. I am terrified that I am done.

To those that have experienced miscarriages and still births...my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine your pain, your broken heart, your emptiness. I saw my embryo before it was carefully placed inside me. I have a picture of him or her. I don't know if it implanted or not. I'm almost sure I experienced implantation bleeding but it must have stopped developing after it implanted. I didn't experience a positive pregnancy test or hear a heartbeat and then lose the baby like so many have. I only know the pain and sorrow from knowing there was a precious living embryo inside me that didn't grow. To those that had a baby growing inside them but lost it, I am so sorry. I only know a fraction of your pain and it is some of the worst pain I've experienced.

I am mourning the loss of my embryo. The loss of the idea of a third child. The loss of a growing family. Of the defeat of infertility. And the despair of not knowing what to do next, that my call to motherhood begins and ends with Boston and Lyla. I don't want to be done, but I am so afraid I am.

Until I can pick myself up, that's all I have words to say.

The journey continues. Click here for Part 4.

Part 1: Our Little Embryo

This is Part 1 of a series of posts telling the journey to our third little miracle baby. 

Click here to read Part 2. 

We have a frozen embryo. A beautiful "good +" blastocyst just waiting to be given a chance. When we froze it I never thought I would feel so attached.

Boston and Lyla were embryos (as everyone once was). We saw them. We have a picture. Just a bunch of cells that ended up turning into the greatest blessing we have ever received. Fully knowing an embryo's potential is what has made me so attached to the one frozen embryo we have. I am so thankful that we were able to save at least one. But I feel so bad...I feel so bad this embryo, this beginning of life, is stuck. Frozen in time. Waiting.

I truly feel a connection, like there is a perfect spirit waiting in heaven to be united with a body. A body that begins with an embryo. Our embryo.

Chris was the one that actually approached me about transferring our embryo. We want our kids to be close in age. We prayed and it just made sense. So we set up an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to get an idea of what a frozen embryo transfer would be like and how we need to start preparing. If Chris had his way, we would have started treatment the next day, but instead we chose a date two months later.

To be honest I'm terrified. Terrified that this embryo is our last chance. Terrified that it won't make it through the thaw. Terrified I won't get pregnant. Terrified that I won't have more children. But I know that hope is where comfort is found and hope is where miracles begin.

Fast forward one month later...

It's all happening again. The stress that comes with being infertile. The stress that comes with money and trying to work with insurance. The stress that comes with the medications. The stress of wondering if you'll have more kids. Am I being selfish? Is it selfish that I have two beautiful twins and I want more? Being a mom is everything to me. I love it.

Because I'm writing a more condensed version of this story, I'll just say we ran into a lot of problems with insurance. My fertility clinic was no longer covered and we had received no warning. With treatment already started, I was extremely stressed out. One option was to cancel the treatment, transport our embryo to a different fertility clinic that our insurance recognized and start over. I really didn't want to do that. A lot of tears were shed that day.

Long story short, we worked some things out, decided to continue my treatment and stay at my clinic. I'm so glad we were able to. Things always tend to work out, don't they?

         

Click here to read Part 2 

Infertility Is...

It's strange to look back on my fight against infertility. Your focus completely changes when you're pregnant.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember how difficult this has been all because I'm so happy for what's to come in 5 months. Nevertheless, I'm afraid it's something I will have to battle for each precious child we are blessed with. 

It's heartbreaking how many people face infertility. It reminds me of the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Infertility is real and it is hard. Many battle it privately. More people than you would realize.

This is infertility:

it's learning a second language of acronyms

it's having a spare bedroom waiting to hold a crib

it's deleting Facebook to avoid pregnancy announcements

it's skipping your friend's baby blessing
it's day dreaming 
it's comparing yourself to the pregnant teenagers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and unmarried

it's holding back tears through baby showers

it's bruises on your stomach, arms, and hands from all the needles

it's forgetting what it's like to feel "normal" because of all the hormone treatments

it's a constant prayer in your heart

it's a constant taunt in the back of your head

it's hiding the pain, tears, appointments, medications, and failures from your family and friends

it's repetitive research in hopes to find something new

it's wishing you were normal

it's  making decisions you never thought you'd have to make

it's evaluating everything you eat

it's avoiding future plans

it's incessant torture of what ifs

it's slowly opening to the thought of adoption

it's always having a tear ready to fall

it's dreaming you're pregnant only to wake up empty
it's a torment of whys 
it's bills upon bills

it's looking in the mirror and imagining a baby bump
it's seeing your doctor more than your friends

it's feeling too young for infertility
it's a test of your endurance 

it's having names picked out but wondering how many you will actually get to use
it's trying not to get your hopes up 

it's wishing you had everything that pregnant women complain about 

it's being thankful for the friend you can confide in and trust

it's being so nervous to take a pregnancy test you make yourself sick
it's feeling guilty - guilty to your husband that you can't do your part 

it's pushing your limits of hope

it's love 

it's a miracle

it's turning your heart to the Lord and trusting He hears your cries.

The Hard Side of Sharing the News

After I used to cry when I found out other couples were pregnant I always told myself that when/if I got pregnant I would make up for that sadness by shouting it out to the world. It would finally be my turn right?

As we have been slowly letting people in on the news I've paid close attention to their reactions. For example, I told a few ladies together the other day and I got mixed responses.

First was from a lady who is done having kids. I could tell she was so very excited for me.

The second was a girl my age who is married, but doesn't have kids yet. She said it was the best news she'd heard and said I was going to be a great mother (that warmed my heart). I could tell she was genuinely happy for me.

Third was another girl my age and married. She was more unexpressed and said a simple congratulations and that was it. It reminded me of myself months ago. Is she baby hungry? Is she suffering through infertility? Did I just rub salt into a wound? She's merely an acquaintance so maybe I'm just looking into it too much.

How can I be so overwhelmed with joy for finally becoming pregnant when there's so many others struggling? I want to say it's not fair, but at the same time I fought my war against infertility. After many battles I finally came out the winner. 

I'm so torn. I know I can't expect everyone to be happy for me, but it breaks my heart when I can tell that they're not. It's been an interesting situation I'm trying to navigate.

Any suggestions on what to do?

Embryo Transfer!

Saturday was the BIG day! I am blown away at how far we've come.

We arrived at the clinic at 8:30am Saturday morning with my bladder very full. They ask you to come with a full bladder because it helps straighten the uterus and visually helps through abdominal ultrasound because water helps with ultrasound waves. TMI, but I never peed when I got up that morning, so I really had to go! 

First we met with a nurse and signed some papers. From the sounds of it everything has been going by the textbook. Usually by day 5, half of the embryos are too poor quality to keep for freezing. With transferring the 2 that day, we would only have 3 leftover for cryopreservation. Good thing is that those three were all good quality and should be great for future frozen transfers.

The nurse offered me Valium and I almost said yes, but for the wrong reasons (I'm hilarious on it). I'd heard that transfers are similar to an IUI so I knew I could handle the pain. Plus I wanted to be coherent during the procedure. This time Chris got to join me in the OR. I got to put on my sexy grown, hat, and booties, and Chris got a ravishing yellow cover, complete with booties, hat, and mask. What's with the mean face Chris?

When we went into the OR we had to wait for awhile, so we got to chat with one of the Medical Assistants and get to know her better. I was cozy with warm blankets and my husband's hand holding mine. It was also very cool because they had a TV screen showing the view through our embryologist's microscope in the next room over. It was amazing to see him prepping our little embryos. He introduced himself as our "babysitter" and that they've been doing great! He also kept calling them our little babies. I thought that was funny because I figured the embryologist would be more technical in his terms. I loved it though.

Eventually our doctor came in and got everything ready which included the dreaded speculum. That thing was just hanging out in my you know what for a good 20 minutes. I've lost count how many times I've had to encounter that evil device. But I didn't even care this time, I was too excited. They have to handle things very carefully and have a set of keywords to know when the doctor and embryologist are ready and are transferring the catheter with our two precious little embryos, or what I like to call our little "embies". I actually didn't even realize when he inserted the catheter and released the embryos, I was that relaxed! Sometimes you can see a little speck pushed through the catheter into the uterus on the ultrasound, but I missed it. The embryologist then checked the catheter to ensure both got out. Everything looked good, so they had me rest for a little while and then sent us on our way.

We went home and took it easy the rest of the day per doctor's orders. I felt bad because it was my brother's birthday and we had to miss his family dinner. The next morning I had exerted myself a little too much, so now I'm really paying attention to my body and making sure I'm relaxed as possible. I'm still on several medications and have added in progesterone and Cabergoline. The Metformin still makes me sick, but I just taking it all in stride.

And the best part of all this? We got a picture! It might sound weird to love a bunch of cells, but I do. I love them for their potential. Their potential to make us parents and give us not just one, but maybe even two very desired children, and to fulfill our dream of starting a family.

Babies first picture?

We are just so excited and truly hope it works this time. Knowing I have two precious embryos inside me is just so surreal. I can't tell you how overjoyed I will be if I become pregnant! It's strange to think that if all this works out, technically I will be three weeks pregnant tomorrow. What?! It's weird because I'm not pregnant, but by the way it is measured I would be three weeks pregnant at this point. 

Implantation should happen within the next few days. Praying and having faith is all we can do at this point, and boy are we praying!

See the sucker in his mouth? That's his favorite part of going to the doctor with me!

 

IVF - This is happening!

On Monday I had a phone appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist. We went over my past treatments and made a plan for IVF. Since I've been on birth control the past 3 weeks it shortened the treatment plan by three weeks and I get to start medications today. I had a 2 hour appointment yesterday for another ultrasound, blood work (6 vials this time, yuck), urine sample, and to sign a ton of paperwork which also included paper work for freezing the embryos. Unfortunately insurance doesn't cover freezing so I had to write a huge check in advance. I will be going to the doctor numerous times this coming week. I already have more blood work for Friday and Chris is having blood work and a Kruger test to have a closer look at his sperm morphology on Saturday. The test looks at the shape of his sperm to see if they're developing properly. If a man has a decreased number of normally shaped sperm on the Kruger analysis, he is at risk of fertilization failure or lower rates of fertilization. Then I have more blood work and an ultrasound on Sunday. That appointment will determine next weeks appointments and how many more ultrasounds I will have. It sounds like they will be every other day since it's extremely important to monitor the growth of the follicles. 

If a man has a decreased number of normally shaped sperm on the Krueger strict morphology analysis, he is at risk of fertilization failure or at least low rates of fertilization. - See more at: http://www.babymed.com/male-infertility/sperm-morphology-kruger-sperm-function-test#sthash.ovotEWTi.dpuf

If a man has a decreased number of normally shaped sperm on the Krueger strict morphology analysis, he is at risk of fertilization failure or at least low rates of fertilization. - See more at: http://www.babymed.com/male-infertility/sperm-morphology-kruger-sperm-function-test#sthash.ovotEWTi.dpuf

I'm actually not nervous at all. Even though I will be starting multiple medications, injections, and going to numerous appointments, I am SO excited. I really feel like we are being guided right now and that Heavenly Father is watching out for us. I've been feeling his calming love so much. I literally feel like I am being carried. My heart is full.

Thankful for Bad News

I was thinking today about how grumpy I've been and how I really should post some things I'm thankful for. And then I got bad news. And I cried. In the bathroom. At work. Like a baby. Because I want a baby.

But then I thought about how this would be a good opportunity for me to look for the good in something bad.

I'm going to start naming that thing... ;)

Well, my period came on Wednesday (cycle day 16) which is crazy early. It's because they didn't have me do the progesterone supplement, which only confirms that I do need it here on out. I won't even tell you how you're supposed to take the pill because it's nasty. So this morning I went in for a typical day 3 baseline ultrasound and blood draw. I only have one tiny vein they draw from and the vein is starting to get scarred. The ultrasound showed the corpus luteum in my left ovary is still there. Normally you would see the beginnings of some tiny follicles, but it was cloudy again. My nurse said she would call me later today after she talks to the doctor about what to do. I had been thankful my period came so dang early (twice in a month? yuck) because that meant I could accomplish 2 cycles in 1 month. Get 'er done! But my nurse called and said my left ovary needs to recover. She gave me two options.

1. Wait until my next period...which would never happen on my own. 
2. Take birth control pills for three weeks then wait for a period to come from it.

I've never taken birth control pills in my life. So I didn't like the idea at first, but then I knew I'd be waiting months for a period to come on it's own. I decided on the lesser of the two bummer options and will be taking birth control for the next three weeks. I cried after hanging up because it meant another month of waiting. That evil word snuck up on me again...WHY? But then I excused the word and starting looking for the positives and what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the chance to have a short break from doctor appointments, blood draws, pills, injections, and stress of it all to let my body rest. 

I am thankful that I can take the birth control pills because they will help "reset" my hormones and help me get in check for next time.

I am thankful for this time that I can focus on becoming one with my body and de-stress.

I am thankful for this time where I can focus solely on my husband and not have the distractions from infertility treatments. 

I have been really sensitive to news about new pregnancies so I have also deactivated Facebook. It's just too much for me, so I'm choosing to take a break from all that until I am strong enough to take it without sinking into a dark place. Again, I am thankful for this short break and plan to make the most of it. I want to focus more on my husband, and things I like doing like singing, baking, photography, enjoying the outdoors, reading, and exercising.

I have two goals for these next 4 weeks:

1. To go more than a day without crying...yes I am serious. 

2. To do as much as I possibly can with my husband, however big or small the adventures may be. 

Here's to a happy 4 weeks!

Weekend Rollar Coaster

Well, I'm back at it again! I started Femara last Thursday and had a baseline ultrasound on Friday. My doctor wanted to check my cyst to see if it's causing any problems, as well as lay out the plan for this month and get some blood work. Thankfully the cyst is just chilling there, so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm doing the same thing again this month but they're increasing the dosage for my FSH injections to 150 units and will monitor my progesterone after my IUI. They think the increased dosage of FSH will also increase my progesterone after ovulation. So my doctor appointment went well and we have a plan for January.

On Saturday I called Freedom Fertility Pharmacy to refill my injectables that I needed to start taking on Monday. They have overnight shipping so I thought it would be fine. We met up with some friends from school at the nickle arcade where the boys played and the girls talked. Of course having kids was brought up and I acted like I've hardly thought about it. That's always my response. It's sort of my defense mechanism. Only a couple people know what we're going through and I want it to stay that way. But while we were chatting I noticed I had a voicemail from the pharmacy. I went out to the car and called them back. Unfortunately they didn't have good news. My insurance is no longer covering my FSH injections and I would need to pay hundreds of dollars for them. Also, because of this, they were unable to send my injections which meant I wouldn't get them in time. The poor guy on the phone had to listen to me cry and beg him to help me. I had no notification of insurance changes and I felt doomed. All I could do was wait until Monday to talked to my insurance because the pharmacy was closing. 

Chris came and found me while I bawled all over him. He's the best. He always knows what to do. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. I felt hopeless.

Sunday I cried even more. I don't know if it was because I will still upset about my insurance or if it was because we were prayerfully fasting again that we could be blessed with a child. We felt the spirit strongly with us and it gave me new hope. 

Monday I was ready for battle. I checked with my insurance to see if there were any other brands that they covered for FSH and thankfully they covered two others. All day I was stepping out of the office to take phone calls and get everything sorted out. After about a dozen calls, my doctor wrote a new prescription for my FSH and I set up delivery for my new Gonal-f injections. I wouldn't receive an injection in time for that night, so my clinic generously donated some Bravelle to me so that I would have some. That's worth some big $$$ they donated. I love my clinic. I was surely being watched over. 

Want to know the best thing I learned from all this? I changed my perspective. Instead of getting angry and asking WHY did this happen? I said to myself, hey maybe this is God's way of getting involved because he knows I will respond better to this new kind of injection than the one I had before. 

I'm feeling good. I know I'm being watched over. Round three of injections: commence!

Curveball!

So of course once a plan is set perfectly in place my body has to go mess things up. After I got home from work the day of my ultrasound I realized I had forgotten to take an ovulation test that morning. So I took one expecting nothing of it and lo and behold it was positive! Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot! What do I do? The office was closed and in a moment of panic I telephoned the doctor on call. Good thing I did, because he told me to take my trigger shot right away and schedule an IUI for the next day. I felt horrible calling him after hours, especially since he was at his son's viola concert. But at the same time, I think I saved him for boredom because he told me he didn't want to listen to it anyway! Unfortunately the positive ovulation test messed up the timing of everything and made things harder to control. He had me take the trigger shot to help ovulation just in case. The next morning I was able to schedule the insemination in the afternoon and collection for Chris at noon. It messed up Chris's work schedule and meetings but it all worked out. Thankfully his semen analysis was so much better this time. And motility was at 86% compared to 52% last time! Even though I only had one mature follicle, I think the IUI was still definitely worth it.

Just waiting for another IUI!

I asked my ovulation specialist if she could do a quick ultrasound just to see if we could tell if the egg had been released. It was really hard to see but it looked as if it might have and there was a corpus luteum collapsing.
This IUI seemed much smoother and there was a lot less discomfort (even the dreaded speculum wasn't so bad). After laying down for a little while I went on my way and worked from home the rest of the day. Overall things just feel so much more "right" this time. Even though the plan changed a little, everything feels great and I'm so thankful I felt a prompting to take an ovulation test. Had I not, we would have missed it and the whole cycle would have been wasted.

Post IUI Relaxing

Yesterday Chris and I went over to help unpack my mom's new house and we found a tape recording of me when I was a baby up to when I was three. Chris and I kept making eye contact and it was like we were reading each other's minds: We can't wait. Praying this one sticks!

Injections and ultrasounds and a cyst oh my!

It's funny when you're trying to conceive and doing all these fertility treatments how something so small can make such a huge difference. Before treatments I just thought about how sperm meets egg...everything goes right...baby! But now there's so many more steps to think about. The picture just got a whole lot bigger. I'm banking on these teeny tiny follicles to become the right size and then for at least one egg to grow and be released. Then I'm focused on having a good sperm count and praying that one little swimmer finds my little egg. And then for that little fertilized egg to implant into my uterine lining. Then wait for it to grow, grow, grow, and pray I won't miscarry and that in nine months time give birth to a precious child. It is all such a miracle! I cannot wait for ours. It will happen one day, right?

(blastocyst)bl

After doing 3 FSH injections the past week, today I went in for my follicular ultrasound to see if I'm ready to take my hCG trigger shot. They found a fluid filled cyst on the outside of my ovary, but it doesn't look like it will impact this cycle at all. They're going to check on it again in a few weeks. As long as it isn't growing or doing anything abnormal, they're not too concerned. Aside from that I only have one little ripe follicle on my right ovary, at about 16mm. My lining also looks perfect. I will trigger tomorrow night and have my IUI on Sunday. I was surprised when they said that, since I didn't think they would be open on a Sunday, but for time sensitive procedures like this they are. I'm really excited! Hubby and I know what to expect this time around and things just feel better than last time. That means I will take a pregnancy test the Sunday after Christmas...maybe Santa will come late this year? I'd be fine with that!

I'm a visual person, so I like this diagram to explain why follicles are so important. Before we started treatments I thought there's just an egg chilling in my ovary ready to pop out! Ha! There's more to it than that. The follicle has to mature and become bigger for the egg inside to be released from the follicle.

Keeping prayerful hearts for Sunday! 

(blastocyst)(

(blastocyst)

(blastocyst)

(blastocyst)

Try Try Again

I came out of my IUI with small hope. I didn't want to get excited in fear that the it wouldn't work.

But of course I started to have hope, lots of it. Chris too. He was getting excited. I think the pregnancy hormones from the trigger shot started to confuse me into believing this was actually happening. That the procedure worked and we would announce wonderful news to our families come Christmas. But in one moment it's all dashed when you realize you started your period. It came only nine short days after my IUI. Typically it should be about 14 days. We were in California for Thanksgiving with family so I had to hold my all emotions in. I told Chris before bed and I let out silent deep tears. Being around family was probably a good thing because I had to try and act like everything was okay. I think that helped my attitude in moving on.

I wasn't planning on trying in December so we could enjoy the holidays, but everything happened so fast and soon that I decided to go through it all again. Thankfully I will be in another two week wait for Christmas and won't need to see the doctor during that time.

I called our reproductive center and told them the news and asked what we should do this time. We are doing the same treatments as November, so I will be taking Femara and the injections again with the IUI. We know a lot more coming into it this time around so hopefully that will help.

Honestly, it's hard to not to wonder why my Heavenly Father isn't allowing this to happen. I beg and plead with him and hope he will give us a miracle. I have always had a hard time being patient. When I know I want something, I want it now. So perhaps He is trying to teach me patience. The teacher is always silent during a test. Even through the temptations to rebel against hope, I will fight back and hope that much harder.

My First IUI

Well it's about time I post my IUI experience. It's a good thing I waited a couple days because I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, but know I can look back on the experience with fresh eyes. 

The hCG shot definitely got to me. My raging hormones have resulted in countless unnecessary tears. Some women test out their trigger to know when it's out of their system, but I'm just trying to play it cool so I don't become obsessed with it and think I should still have the side effects because it's still in my system.

So here's IUI story #1 (wouldn't it be nice if it stayed #1?!) 

For those of you who don't know, an IUI stands for intrauterine insemination also known as artificial insemination. Basically my husband's sperm is inserted directly into my uterus, creating a more direct route with less obstacles. 

We arrived at 7:30am for Chris's SA (semen analysis) to get a collection for the IUI. They wash the collection so only the best sperm remain. It's crazy to think there are millions and millions of candidates, but it only takes one.

The whole morning my emotions were running high. Nothing felt like it was going right that morning and I already lost hope before I even went in for the IUI. At 9am I got prepped and waited and waited and waited. Finally my sweet nurse came in and talked me through the procedure. They simply insert a speculum (ouch) and then guide a catheter until they find the top of the uterus and then the sperm is injected. It's simple enough that my nurse did the whole procedure while we talked about Thanksgiving to try and distract me from all the pokes and prodding going on. It only took about 3 minutes. After everything was removed, they had me rest for about 20 minutes and then they sent me on my way with good luck wishes.

All throughout that day I had no hope. I kept saying, "We'll have to try this medication next time" and "Next time I rather do this". I was already setting myself up for a negative. But that's how I protect myself. I don't get my hopes up so I'm not crushed when what I hoped for doesn't happen. Needless to say, I cried and cried and cried all day. 

Hormones. Gotta love them.
I had moderate cramping for two days and just took it easy. I am now in what's know as the two week wait. Two weeks until I take a pregnancy test to see if all the pills, injections, ultrasound, and IUI were worth it. My goodness I hope so! All the appointments, medications, and sticking needles in myself is emotionally exhausting!!!

But this is why I'm glad I'm writing this two days later. I found my hope. It's small, but I'm hopeful. There are so many little things that have to go exactly right to become pregnant. It really is a miracle. And that is where I found my hope. I've stopped thinking about the medications and how big my follicles were and if the trigger shot worked. Now I just think of the miracle it all is. It's completely in God's hands. If it's God's will, I will become pregnant. There is nothing more I want to be in life than a mother. I want to have children and raise a family with my husband. The thought consumes every spare moment. It is always in the back of my mind. It is everything to me. 

FSH Injections

Needles. Terrify. Me. 

No bueno.

Everyday I watched my Dad inject himself with insulin and it would make me shudder. I prayed I never would get diabetes and have to do the same. I should have also prayed I would never have to take anything else that required stabbing a needle into my stomach. 

When my package arrived with my injections I was overwhelmed and scared to death. I couldn't get over the 1 1/2 inch needles that were included in the box. I thought I was going to have to use those needles until I figured out I only had to use the 1/2 inch needles. Thank goodness! The box contained enough for three 113 unit injections of Bravelle (Follicle Stimulating Hormone). 

Fun fact: Bravelle comes from human urine. Thank you kind donors for sharing your pee with me. 

The package also had my trigger shot for my IUI. The trigger shot is a ginormous dose of hCG that triggers ovulation. Since I don't ovulate on my own this will certainly be necessary. 

(Sorry about the bad picture...my hands were shaking from being so nervous!)

Last night I did my first Bravelle injection. After tears and loving support from my husband I began the process. I had to mix three bottles of the Bravelle with the sodium chloride to get an amount concentrated enough for my dosage. And then I just did it. I stabbed the needle in my stomach and pushed in the plunger and took it out. I felt like a druggie. I freaked when I saw a small amount left in the syringe and stabbed myself again fearing I didn't get enough in. That probably wasn't smart, but I'm still alive. 

I'm not trying to make light of this situation, but joking about it helps me cope. 

All in all was it that bad? No. Was it worth the tears and anxiety? Not really. Now I know the next injection tomorrow will be fine and I shouldn't have to worry. But seriously though...needles are not cool.

The things I will do for an Itty Bitty Ivie!

Month One...No Luck

I feel so much for the couples that go through years of treatment without success. 

Their strength makes them my heros. 

Last month I had 10 straight days where I used ovulation prediction tests and every time, first thing is the morning, I received a negative. Not exactly the best way to start my day! Before I thought negative pregnancy tests felt bad, but I won't even get to the point of a pregnancy test again if I keep getting negative ovulation tests! I didn't really think this would happen since everything else was going great. When cycle day 21 came without a positive ovulation test I went in for a progesterone blood draw. (They only had to poke me once this time!) The progesterone was very low and confirmed I did not ovulate. 
So the Femara alone didn't work.

On a good note though, my hypothyroidism is under control! After 4 weeks of synthroid my thyroid is it a 2.4. Perfect! I still have some good days and bad days when it comes to my energy, but I can tell the synthroid is working. 

That was a hard week, but next month is another opportunity, so I'm keeping my chin up!

(I would like to add that our kids are going to look freaking adorable)

My First Video Blog

Vlog, aka video blog.

 

Totally out of my comfort zone, but that is why I'm doing it. I get really quirky in these... 

But hey, if you don't like reading about us (ehh, mostly me) now you can watch!