Infertility Is...

It's strange to look back on my fight against infertility. Your focus completely changes when you're pregnant.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember how difficult this has been all because I'm so happy for what's to come in 5 months. Nevertheless, I'm afraid it's something I will have to battle for each precious child we are blessed with. 

It's heartbreaking how many people face infertility. It reminds me of the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Infertility is real and it is hard. Many battle it privately. More people than you would realize.

This is infertility:

it's learning a second language of acronyms

it's having a spare bedroom waiting to hold a crib

it's deleting Facebook to avoid pregnancy announcements

it's skipping your friend's baby blessing
it's day dreaming 
it's comparing yourself to the pregnant teenagers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and unmarried

it's holding back tears through baby showers

it's bruises on your stomach, arms, and hands from all the needles

it's forgetting what it's like to feel "normal" because of all the hormone treatments

it's a constant prayer in your heart

it's a constant taunt in the back of your head

it's hiding the pain, tears, appointments, medications, and failures from your family and friends

it's repetitive research in hopes to find something new

it's wishing you were normal

it's  making decisions you never thought you'd have to make

it's evaluating everything you eat

it's avoiding future plans

it's incessant torture of what ifs

it's slowly opening to the thought of adoption

it's always having a tear ready to fall

it's dreaming you're pregnant only to wake up empty
it's a torment of whys 
it's bills upon bills

it's looking in the mirror and imagining a baby bump
it's seeing your doctor more than your friends

it's feeling too young for infertility
it's a test of your endurance 

it's having names picked out but wondering how many you will actually get to use
it's trying not to get your hopes up 

it's wishing you had everything that pregnant women complain about 

it's being thankful for the friend you can confide in and trust

it's being so nervous to take a pregnancy test you make yourself sick
it's feeling guilty - guilty to your husband that you can't do your part 

it's pushing your limits of hope

it's love 

it's a miracle

it's turning your heart to the Lord and trusting He hears your cries.

14 Weeks

Hello baby bump! I can't hide it anymore...these babies are taking over! Although I look more like I'm just getting fat than I look pregnant. Yep, I'm in that awkward stage. I love it though. The past two weeks have been fairly uneventful. Chris is studying hardcore for his CFA test and I sit and read. I'm dying to know what the genders are so I can start shopping and making baby clothes! I've done a lot of research on double strollers lately too. My dream stroller is $600, but I've found a similar alternative for less than half that price. I can't wait to push around my two little cuties! 

I also had an appointment with my OB last week. The ultrasound pictures were awful compared to the specialist's...I'm not even sure what I'm looking at! But they are both doing great. My next appointment doesn't fall until June 9th when I'm 17 weeks along so we should definitely know the genders then. Although we are thinking we'll have my OB write it down and then throw a gender revel party. I don't know if I can wait that long though!

How far along? 14 Weeks 3 Days
Babies are the size of: Lemons
Total weight gain: I'm still down a couple pounds according to my appointment last week.
Maternity clothes? No...but soon!  
Stretch marks? None.  
Sleep: I'm sleeping again! Hallelujah! I think buying a new pillow helped tremendously.
Exercise: I've been going to the gym more, but keeping low key. Mostly walking and biking.  
Miss Anything: Being able to wear all the clothes in my closet. I'm running out of options!
Movement: I feel little flutters...it's so fun :)
Food cravings: Lately it's been cereal until I got sick of eating it all the time. Corn on the cob sounds great though!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Only when I eat too fast or too much. 
Labor Signs: No.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Kinda moody...sorry Chris ;) 
Looking forward to: My day off work to celebrate Memorial Day!

Announcing!

On Mother's Day we finally announced to the world we are expecting twins! The response was overwhelming. So many kind words were said from both friends and strangers. Getting to say the words "I'm pregnant" was something I always hoped I could say, but wondered if I would ever be able to. I posted the announcement on Facebook (I finally reactivated it) right before we left for church and by the time we came home it was like the whole world knew. It was exciting, but it also felt strange that our little secret was actually out. 

We posted this picture with a caption that said: We are so overjoyed to announce this mother's day that I'm pregnant...with TWINS! After a long and personal battle with infertility, God has answered our prayers through IVF. Not only did He bless us with one, but two! We are so grateful, for this truly is a miracle. Our twins are due this November!

I thought I would get a lot of questions about the IVF part, but thankfully I didn't. I just received many heartfelt congratulations. I loved it!

When I told the 3 and 4 year-old kids we teach at church that I was having two babies they immediately wanted to name them. Names like Violet, Scarlet, and Lightening-slayer were the most popular. 

Lightening-slayer Ivie. That works right? 

Of course we are already getting "advice" (aka opinions) from some people that you just have to nod and say thank you to. I don't think people realize that their very strong "advice" doesn't apply to everyone. It's funny to hear the crazy things people say. I also get the statements about all the laundry I'll have to do, how in the world will I carry two car seats, how we need to move from our third floor apartment, how we need a bigger car...but you know what? Try and worry me all you want but I'm not worried at all. Yes it's going to be a challenge, but we'll figure it out as we go. 

We are still so overwhelmed with joy that this is all happening. We are having twins! I really wouldn't want it any other way. I feel like I'm already just sitting around waiting for them to come!

Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist

I think I was spoiled at my fertility clinic. My longest wait time was maybe 15 minutes. Waiting at the hospital on the other hand totaled about two hours all combined. Wowza. Last week I had my first appointment at the hospital with a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. My regular OB referred me to them because I'm having twins and with that comes the possibility of greater risks.

First I saw an ultrasound technician to get some measurements of the babies. I couldn't believe how big they've grown! They are actually measuring a week ahead at 13 weeks, 1 day when I was actually only 12 weeks, 2 days. There's a chance they will adjust my due date because of this. I definitely think these will be October babies! It's incredible how much they move around even though I can't feel it yet. It's like my uterus is a gym and they're little gymnasts tumbling about. The main reason for the measuring was to screen for Down syndrome and other chromosomal disorders like Trisomy 18. The ultrasound is used to measure a very specific area on the back of the babies necks. When there is more fluid in the neck tissue than normal, it indicates abnormalities.

Second I met with a Genetic Counselor to go over family history and the results of those measurements. She said so far everything looks great with the babies and based on our family history it looks like we are low risk for genetic abnormalities and birth defects. She had me do some blood work and with the results from that as well as additional blood work in June, we will know more about our risks. They look for abnormal levels of HCG and pregnancy-associated plasma protein-A (PAPP-A). She said the results with twins are a bit more unreliable since they can't test each baby individually unless they took some cells from the placentas, but that's only if something looks wrong. Side note: The phlebotomist that took my blood looked like Dr. Lahari from The Mindy Project! I wanted to ask her if she was told that a lot, but I was kind of embarrassed.

Lastly I met with a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist regarding the risks of twins, mostly just being preterm labor and other medical problems like preeclampsia. It was really nothing I hadn't heard yet, but it was still nice to meet with him.

I will continue to see them as my pregnancy progresses just to make sure everything is looking good. I'm really thankful because I love all these opportunities to see my babies! I've already had 4 ultrasounds by 12 weeks while most don't get an ultrasound until 20 weeks. I would go insane.

Introducing Baby A! 

You can see how Baby A turned while taking measurements. They move so much!

And here is Baby B! 

Doesn't he/she look like it's having a swell day kicking their legs up, arms behind its neck, whistling?

I'm so in love with these precious little cuties. I thank God everyday for the miracle He has given us.

The Hard Side of Sharing the News

After I used to cry when I found out other couples were pregnant I always told myself that when/if I got pregnant I would make up for that sadness by shouting it out to the world. It would finally be my turn right?

As we have been slowly letting people in on the news I've paid close attention to their reactions. For example, I told a few ladies together the other day and I got mixed responses.

First was from a lady who is done having kids. I could tell she was so very excited for me.

The second was a girl my age who is married, but doesn't have kids yet. She said it was the best news she'd heard and said I was going to be a great mother (that warmed my heart). I could tell she was genuinely happy for me.

Third was another girl my age and married. She was more unexpressed and said a simple congratulations and that was it. It reminded me of myself months ago. Is she baby hungry? Is she suffering through infertility? Did I just rub salt into a wound? She's merely an acquaintance so maybe I'm just looking into it too much.

How can I be so overwhelmed with joy for finally becoming pregnant when there's so many others struggling? I want to say it's not fair, but at the same time I fought my war against infertility. After many battles I finally came out the winner. 

I'm so torn. I know I can't expect everyone to be happy for me, but it breaks my heart when I can tell that they're not. It's been an interesting situation I'm trying to navigate.

Any suggestions on what to do?

12 Weeks

Happy 12 weeks babies! And do you like the new changes? Itty Bitty Ivie is now Little Ivie Lane. 

I can tell my belly is getting fuller, but I don't quite have a baby bump yet. Or should I say babies bump? I feel like my clothing options are already becoming quite limited. Although my closet had always seemed limited. I, unlike most girls, do not like buying clothes for myself. I always find away to talk myself out of something. I feel like I will want to be clothes for my babies all the time though. We can't wait to find out the genders...I'm sure their over-elated grandma will love buying them things. Right mom?

12 Weeks Bumpdate!

How far along? 12 Weeks 4 Days
Babies are the size of: Plums or apricots, whichever your prefer.    
Total weight gain: Still down about 4-5lbs since pregnancy. When will I start gaining?
Maternity clothes? None. 
Stretch marks? Zero.  
Sleep: Sleep is still awful. At least the lack of it is. I think my body is training myself for when the twins come.
Exercise: I've been walking more and biking at the gym a little. 
Miss Anything: Peanut butter. I used to be addicted, but I still don't like it.
Movement: I can't feel anything, but I can't wait until I do!
Food cravings: I've pretty much enjoy two things lately: Spinach and Mozzarella Ravioli and Honey Bunches of Oats...with real milk! That's definitely a change.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing lately. I've really been so fortunate.
Labor Signs: Nope.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I'm still wondering if zombie is a mood...
Looking forward to: The weekend! Our fertility clinic is hosting an ice cream party for their patients at the new aquarium! 


Also, we're shouting our news to the world on Mother's Day! Secrets, secrets, they're no fun...we're finally telling everyone! 

Telling Our Family!

This week has been wonderful and not so wonderful, but mostly wonderful! I only say not so wonderful because I have been experiencing the most painful headaches I've ever had. For example, last night I woke up at 2 am with my head throbbing in intolerable pain. Headaches are common in pregnancy, but I've never experienced anything like this.

This past weekend was wonderful because we finally told our families the news! Friday night we Skyped with Chis's family in California, which was great to see their faces. It's been a long time. They were so surprised we are having twins! Then Saturday was my mom's birthday BBQ with my family. I was dying to finally tell her. The best part was how we did it. Here's a video of her reaction!



Below is a picture of what was in the gifts. The first one was with the binky saying we're pregnant, and the second gift had the other binky, the embryo picture before transfer, and our most recent ultrasound picture. 

It's been so enjoyable to finally share our happy news with family. All of this has been a long and difficult road, but being surrounded by so much happiness makes it all worth it. I feel so blessed! 

10 and 11 Weeks

The past two weeks have been pretty uneventful, but we are still madly in love with our babies of course! I am so happy it's the end of the month because we have been stretched thin with so many dang medical bills. May is going to be the same but hopefully not as bad. Between IVF and Chris's knee surgery (part 1) we have got wayyyy to many medical bills. Thankfully I saved a few hundred dollars just by noticing some errors with insurance claims. It's kind of scary since I trusted them, but now I have to monitor everything more closely to avoid future discrepancies. On a good note though, I found out our insurance cover breast pumps 100%! Woohoo! I'm going to become quite the cow. 

Moo.

I caught a head cold so this week has been pretty awful. I can't even remember what energy feels like! And sleep has become impossible because my teeth start aching. I keep worrying it's my wisdom teeth finally coming in, but the more practical reason is that I'm not getting enough calcium. Ice cream and strawberry milk it is!

Also, we are telling our family this weekend! My mom is having a birthday BBQ on Saturday and what's a better birthday present than finding out you're getting TWO more grandchildren! I cannot wait to she her reaction. It will definitely need to be recorded. We've been planning how to break the news and I think it will be perfect. It's going to be weird having this secret off our chests.

Oh and my chalkboard? Never use a chalk marker! Or at least erase it soon after you use it. I had to repaint my chalkboard because the marker wouldn't come off, and now due to an uneven paint layer I have to be careful when writing otherwise it scratches the paint right off. This does not make for a happy pregnant lady.

Anyway, here's a bumpdate!

How far along? 11 Weeks 1 Day
Babies are the size of: Limes! Holy cow.  
Total weight gain: I think I'm still down about 4lbs since pregnancy.
Maternity clothes? No. 
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: My least favorite part of the day...because I can't sleep.
Exercise: Notta.
Miss Anything: Not having so many medical bills?
Movement: No movement that I can tell, but I'm sure they're still dancing around!
Food cravings: Nothing lately.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Just random things every now and then. And chocolate chips taste like dirt.
Labor Signs: No.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Is zombie a mood? 
Looking forward to: Getting to go off my Metformin this Monday. I hate those pills.