Just a little update

Well I am halfway through my birth control. Yay! Since I have a progesterone deficiency, all the extra estrogen in the birth control is reeking havoc on me. At least I'm not crazy emotional...in fact I haven't cried in days! For me, that is quite the accomplishment. Deactivating my Facebook was an excellent decision and I don't miss it at all. Stupid news feed.

Chris and I went and played in the mountains last week. We got some Subway to go and went up Big Cottonwood Canyon where the inversion doesn't plague the beauty there. The sky was so blue! It was fun to get away and enjoy the nature.

I've been feeling really great (minus the fact that I have a nasty head cold right now). I am focusing on the positives and replacing the "ifs" and "whys" with "when" and "how." There's a couple books I found at the library that are full of information and are helping me become happier through this trial. I will have an ultrasound next week to see if my ovary has recovered and if I'm good to continue on. I plan on asking them about IVF and my options there. I think I will try one more IUI and if that fails we will move on to IVF. The idea was scary to me, but after a lot of research I feel more comfortable about it. Now it's just an issue of insurance and if my doctor thinks I'm a good candidate.

I found this video the other day and if you don't want to get emotional, I suggest skipping it. The video beautifully shows the raw emotions that people with infertility face. The tears, the daydreaming, the silence, the shame. We have a spare bedroom in our apartment just waiting to become a nursery. Sometimes I sit in there and just envision what that room will hopefully some day become. I feel so heartbroken for older couples that are just starting their trial through infertility or learn they cannot have children at all. I am so thankful that we started this early on and for the medical advances that bring us hope. 

Thankful for Bad News

I was thinking today about how grumpy I've been and how I really should post some things I'm thankful for. And then I got bad news. And I cried. In the bathroom. At work. Like a baby. Because I want a baby.

But then I thought about how this would be a good opportunity for me to look for the good in something bad.

I'm going to start naming that thing... ;)

Well, my period came on Wednesday (cycle day 16) which is crazy early. It's because they didn't have me do the progesterone supplement, which only confirms that I do need it here on out. I won't even tell you how you're supposed to take the pill because it's nasty. So this morning I went in for a typical day 3 baseline ultrasound and blood draw. I only have one tiny vein they draw from and the vein is starting to get scarred. The ultrasound showed the corpus luteum in my left ovary is still there. Normally you would see the beginnings of some tiny follicles, but it was cloudy again. My nurse said she would call me later today after she talks to the doctor about what to do. I had been thankful my period came so dang early (twice in a month? yuck) because that meant I could accomplish 2 cycles in 1 month. Get 'er done! But my nurse called and said my left ovary needs to recover. She gave me two options.

1. Wait until my next period...which would never happen on my own. 
2. Take birth control pills for three weeks then wait for a period to come from it.

I've never taken birth control pills in my life. So I didn't like the idea at first, but then I knew I'd be waiting months for a period to come on it's own. I decided on the lesser of the two bummer options and will be taking birth control for the next three weeks. I cried after hanging up because it meant another month of waiting. That evil word snuck up on me again...WHY? But then I excused the word and starting looking for the positives and what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the chance to have a short break from doctor appointments, blood draws, pills, injections, and stress of it all to let my body rest. 

I am thankful that I can take the birth control pills because they will help "reset" my hormones and help me get in check for next time.

I am thankful for this time that I can focus on becoming one with my body and de-stress.

I am thankful for this time where I can focus solely on my husband and not have the distractions from infertility treatments. 

I have been really sensitive to news about new pregnancies so I have also deactivated Facebook. It's just too much for me, so I'm choosing to take a break from all that until I am strong enough to take it without sinking into a dark place. Again, I am thankful for this short break and plan to make the most of it. I want to focus more on my husband, and things I like doing like singing, baking, photography, enjoying the outdoors, reading, and exercising.

I have two goals for these next 4 weeks:

1. To go more than a day without crying...yes I am serious. 

2. To do as much as I possibly can with my husband, however big or small the adventures may be. 

Here's to a happy 4 weeks!

Cancelled

On Saturday I had my follicular ultrasound after taking three 150 unit rounds of injections. We saw my right ovary with some small follicles that didn't stand out. It didn't make any sense. Then we moved to my left ovary and there was nothing. It was cloudy and unclear. My doctor asked if I had a history of endometriosis. I replied no, but I was terrified that it could be. It's a disorder where cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, like the ovaries. She took some pictures of the ovary, said she wanted another doctor's opinion, and sent me home. Usually at this point I should have at least one follicle greater than 16mm and should plan on taking the trigger shot. A few hours later she called me back explaining that what we saw was most likely the corpus luteum which meant I already ovulated and we missed it. I went in for a progesterone blood test which confirmed that I did in fact ovulate somewhere between cycle day 10 or 11, which is too soon and unusual for me. So my cycle was cancelled and I didn't take my HCG trigger shot or get an IUI. If our timing was right there could be a slim chance the egg could be fertilized, but I am so exhausted of having so much hope and then for it to have gone to waste.  

Each day is harder and the desire gets that much stronger. So much to the point that it consumes me and it is hard for me to focus on other things that are important too. I'm stuck between covering up my feelings so I have the outward appearance that I am perfectly fine and the feeling of losing it at any moment. I've had to be strong before when I lost my dad to suicide, so I know I can be strong again. The only thing is...this battle with infertility has been harder for me to go through, but no one knows it because I try to hide it.
I've tried to draw even closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience. I battle the deep emotions of "Why?" every single day, but I know that is what Satan wants me to ask. I get through this by fasting, having intimate prayer with my Heavenly Father and scripture study every morning. The more I do it the more comfort I receive. 

I can testify that through hard times and trials we are not alone. God loves all his children here on earth. He gives us trials because we are here on earth to be tested. Tested to see if we endure or give up. Tested to see if we will call upon him for help or tested to see if we walk away from him. I believe there is a reason for everything and with his help I can overcome hard things. 

I know that my Savior, who has atoned for us, truly knows our pain and can heal and comfort us. He can keep the pain away. Christ can make us whole, even emotionally. Because of his Atonement, Christ knows the sorrows of my heart. He has felt my pain. He is the only one who knows how to completely comfort me. He will dry my tears and can make my most cherished purpose possible.

Weekend Rollar Coaster

Well, I'm back at it again! I started Femara last Thursday and had a baseline ultrasound on Friday. My doctor wanted to check my cyst to see if it's causing any problems, as well as lay out the plan for this month and get some blood work. Thankfully the cyst is just chilling there, so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm doing the same thing again this month but they're increasing the dosage for my FSH injections to 150 units and will monitor my progesterone after my IUI. They think the increased dosage of FSH will also increase my progesterone after ovulation. So my doctor appointment went well and we have a plan for January.

On Saturday I called Freedom Fertility Pharmacy to refill my injectables that I needed to start taking on Monday. They have overnight shipping so I thought it would be fine. We met up with some friends from school at the nickle arcade where the boys played and the girls talked. Of course having kids was brought up and I acted like I've hardly thought about it. That's always my response. It's sort of my defense mechanism. Only a couple people know what we're going through and I want it to stay that way. But while we were chatting I noticed I had a voicemail from the pharmacy. I went out to the car and called them back. Unfortunately they didn't have good news. My insurance is no longer covering my FSH injections and I would need to pay hundreds of dollars for them. Also, because of this, they were unable to send my injections which meant I wouldn't get them in time. The poor guy on the phone had to listen to me cry and beg him to help me. I had no notification of insurance changes and I felt doomed. All I could do was wait until Monday to talked to my insurance because the pharmacy was closing. 

Chris came and found me while I bawled all over him. He's the best. He always knows what to do. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. I felt hopeless.

Sunday I cried even more. I don't know if it was because I will still upset about my insurance or if it was because we were prayerfully fasting again that we could be blessed with a child. We felt the spirit strongly with us and it gave me new hope. 

Monday I was ready for battle. I checked with my insurance to see if there were any other brands that they covered for FSH and thankfully they covered two others. All day I was stepping out of the office to take phone calls and get everything sorted out. After about a dozen calls, my doctor wrote a new prescription for my FSH and I set up delivery for my new Gonal-f injections. I wouldn't receive an injection in time for that night, so my clinic generously donated some Bravelle to me so that I would have some. That's worth some big $$$ they donated. I love my clinic. I was surely being watched over. 

Want to know the best thing I learned from all this? I changed my perspective. Instead of getting angry and asking WHY did this happen? I said to myself, hey maybe this is God's way of getting involved because he knows I will respond better to this new kind of injection than the one I had before. 

I'm feeling good. I know I'm being watched over. Round three of injections: commence!